This is our second episode in our series called Cultivate. We are always saying that it’s so much better to elevate what you are looking for in your children (the virtues!) rather than squashing what you don’t want (the vices!). With that in mind, we thought we’d take some time to talk about how you can cultivate character in your kids through the years.
This week, we’re talking about gratitude.
We know that some of us are hardwired to be more grateful than others. Some people are just more optimistic, more apt to see the good in life and in people. But that doesn’t give the rest of us a pass! 🙂
In our culture, maybe we need a word about the OPPOSITE of gratitude because we hear a lot about ENTITLEMENT, and we’ve all likely encountered kids (or HAVE kids) who act entitled. More and more, we seem to live in a world where discomfort is considered intolerable. Life hangs in the balance if that amazon order doesn’t end up on our doorstep in 24 hours.
We mistakenly fall into the trap of “mood fixing” with our kids, rushing in to make sure our kids feel awesome all the time because we want them to be happy. This is where entitlement seeps in. After awhile, our kids’ needs…wants…turn into demands. When our kids never have to work hard, wait patiently, delay gratification, or experience struggle, they fall victim to entitlement.
I want hot dogs for dinner. I hate chicken.”
“The party was okay, but…”
“Everyone else gets to bring Lunchables to school.”
“I’m bored with this. I wish there was something else to play with.”
“We never get popcorn at the movies. It’s not fair.”
Do any of these sound familiar at your house? And what’s our typical response? “A lot of kids don’t have what you have; you should feel lucky; we’ll just take all your toys and put them away and THEN you’ll see how good you have it…” We shame them or punish them instead of TEACHING them about gratitude.
Contentment, appreciation, and gratitude are learned behaviors.
So, let’s talk about the What, Why, and How of GRATITUDE.
What is gratitude?
Gratitude does not mean pretending everything is fine or being in denial about what is going wrong. The more I read about this, the more I saw that cultivating gratitude is a discipline. It is much less about what happens to you and much more about what you focus on. Being grateful means choosing to focus your time and attention on what you appreciate. This is key to controlling your experience and, ultimately, your well-being.
Author David Powlison puts it this way: Gratitude happens when you take to heart a good gift that brings you great pleasure.
The Book of Common Prayer has a general prayer of thanksgiving that I like when I think about gratitude. I’ve modified it out of the KJV sounding language:
And, we ask you to give us a due sense of all your mercies,
that our hearts may be sincerely thankful;
and that we show forth your praise,
not only with our lips, but in our lives,
by giving up ourselves to your service,
and by walking before you in holiness and righteousness all our days;
through Jesus Christ our Lord, to whom, with you and the Holy Spirit,
be all honor and glory, world without end. Amen.
In this prayer, gratitude starts with a sense of who God is and of His mercy. It moves to our hearts, then to our lips, and then to our lives as we serve others. So, it’s a mindset or an awareness that invades our speech and our actions.
Gratitude is also a “gateway emotion” of sorts. Philosophers over the years have suggested it’s the greatest virtue because it leads to so many others. For example, appreciation of someone can grow into love, gratitude for what you have can lead to greater satisfaction and loving your work can lead to improved performance.
Why should we cultivate gratitude?
Scripture says to be grateful. Anytime we obey what we find in Scripture, we can be sure that it’s for our good, because God made us and He knows what is good for us.
An article from Psychology Today notes these benefits of gratitude among others:
- Gratitude enhances empathy and reduces aggression. Grateful people are more likely to behave in a prosocial manner, even when others behave less kindly, according to a 2012 study by the University of Kentucky. Study participants who ranked higher on gratitude scales were less likely to retaliate against others, even when given negative feedback. They experienced more sensitivity and empathy toward other people and a decreased desire to seek revenge.
- Grateful people sleep better. Writing in a gratitude journal improves sleep, according to a 2011 study published in Applied Psychology: Health and Well-Being. Spend just 15 minutes jotting down a few grateful sentiments before bed, and you may sleep better and longer.
- Gratitude improves self-esteem. A 2014 study published in the Journal of Applied Sport Psychology found that gratitude increased athletes’ self-esteem, an essential component to optimal performance. Other studies have shown that gratitude reduces social comparisons. Rather than becoming resentful toward people who have more money or better jobs—a major factor in reduced self-esteem—grateful people are able to appreciate other people’s accomplishments.
- Gratitude increases mental strength. For years, research has shown gratitude not only reduces stress, but it may also play a major role in overcoming trauma. A 2006 study published in Behavior Research and Therapy found that Vietnam War veterans with higher levels of gratitude experienced lower rates of post-traumatic stress disorder. A 2003 study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that gratitude was a major contributor to resilience following the terrorist attacks on September 11. Recognizing all that you have to be thankful for —even during the worst times—fosters resilience.
Gratitude can be the “tare” on the “scale” of life. Worries and hard times can weigh us down, but there are things for which we can be grateful, no matter the circumstances. I love how God tells us to acknowledge our anxieties and then bring balance with gratitude. Jesus told his disciples to “watch themselves lest their hearts be weighed down.” Gratitude is a buoy in the rough waters of life.
I (Renee) like to start my day with this verse. I don’t always remember to do it, but I’m working on it! My mom had it cross stitched or something on our kitchen wall when I was a kid: Psalm 118:24: This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.
Another good one that is short and memorable is from Psalm 136:1 Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good, for his steadfast love endures forever.
The apostle Paul writes in Philippians 4:4–7 Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
And in Col. 3:15–16 he connects the peace of Christ and the wisdom of Scripture with gratitude, “Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God.
Gratitude also keeps us in the moment. Gratitude can anchor us to the present moment. By focusing our attention on our sensations, we can appreciate the simple things in life: the sound of bird chirping away; the warm touch of the sun on our skin; the voice of a loved one; the soft touch of a lover … There is much appreciation that can be felt by focusing on sensations.
Gratitude is good for our relationships. Gratitude can foster friendships. A study at the University of New South Wales found when people express appreciation, others perceive that they can form a constructive relationship with them, and tend to invest and contribute to connecting. In addition, according to a study by Portland State University, when people received more expressions of gratitude at work, they reported better sleep, fewer headaches, healthier eating and more satisfaction with their jobs. Expressing gratitude tends to spread positive feelings. You feel good about something and your appreciation makes someone else feel good as well, which contributes to an emotional economy—a give and take of feelings which fosters a positive ethos of the entire group. https://manhattanmentalhealthcounseling.com/the-incredible-power-of-gratitude/
How do we help our kids cultivate gratitude?
Clarissa Moll has an excellent article at The Gospel Coalition’s website on how to cultivate gratitude. https://www.thegospelcoalition.org/article/grumbling-gratitude/
She tells us to acknowledge our lack, name God’s goodness, and act from abundance.
Acknowledge our Lack
She writes: The psalms offer us a beautiful model of how to genuinely express gratitude in seasons of scarcity, pain, and disappointment. The Bible contains 42 psalms of lament, and each one begins in the same place—lack. From moaning about enemies who assault and mock to agonizing cries for relief from physical pain and emotional isolation, the psalms of lament invite us to acknowledge the aching hollowness of our grief and the emptiness that accompanies our sorrow.
With our kids:
- Acknowledge when something bad happens. Don’t brush it off. Give it words if your kid is having trouble expressing it.
- Read a Psalm of lament and see how it moves from sadness to gratitude. David did this a lot in the psalms. It’s like he’s pouring out his fear, anger, anxiety to God and then reminding himself of the truth about WHO God is.
- Psalm 7 begins with “Lord my God, I take refuge in you; save and deliver me from all who pursue me, or they will tear me apart like a lion and rip me to pieces with no one to rescue me.. And then ends with I will give thanks to the Lord because of his righteousness; I will sing the praises of the name of the Lord Most High.”
- Acknowledging “highs and lows” at the dinner table with “how God is working in my day, today” brings gratitude without sugar coating.
Biblical lament invites us to talk and live honestly in grief (not the sometimes toxic positivity that we can force on others….good vibes only, count your blessings, it could be worse…).. When we do, we open ourselves to hope. As we acknowledge the pain, sorrow, and lack in our lives, we discover that hope can exist not in exclusion of suffering, but in the midst of it. Psalms of lament show us how.
Name God’s Goodness
She writes: In want and plenty, God is good. In sorrow and joy, he is present. In all things he offers us the abundance of his power and lavishes us with provision. Truly, those who seek the Lord will lack no good thing (Ps. 34:10). Lament gives us opportunity to complain before God, but it always expands our vision to include the beauty of his faithfulness.
With our kids:
- Say it aloud. Say please and thank you for your kids even when they aren’t talking yet. Make it part of your family language.
- Narrate the day. “Thank you, God, for the blue skies.” or “Thank you, God, for the rain that nourishes the trees.”
- Name the attributes of God, the story of the gospel, and other big picture truths (God is always with you) that are always good, no matter our circumstances.
- Perspective: how to respond to the “that’s not fair” complaint
- Make time for chores—lets them contribute rather than just demand. Research, like that of Marty Rossman, shows that making kids do chores is worth the effort. In fact, Rossman says, “the best predictor of young adults’ success in their mid-20’s was that they participated in household tasks when they were three or four.”
- Support them through difficulty rather than rescuing them from it. What lessons can we learn thru failure? How can we be grateful for failure or mistakes made?
Act from Abundance
She writes: Thankfulness is more than appreciation for gifts received. True gratitude is always expressed in action. Abundance defies circumstances.
With our kids:
- Start the day with a sentence of gratitude. I liked “This is the day that the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it.”
- Pay attention. Throughout each day, find small things about which you can be thankful. Be sure to notice things (a closer parking spot than usual) and people (the cashier at the grocery).
- Write it down. Research at Kent State University found when you write down elements you’re grateful for, that simple act can foster happiness and wellbeing. This is probably true because it causes you to pause, focus, reflect and reinforce your positive experiences.
- Other Ideas
- Thank you cards
- Learning to compliment others
- Bedtime prayers start with praise/gratitude
- Family gratitude jar, once it’s filled, celebrate
- Ask why they’re grateful
- Take a gratitude walk
- Donate to a non-profit
It’s no surprise that families volunteer at soup kitchens this time of year, and shelters overflow with gifts. Regardless of our circumstances, gratitude always births gracious action. Biblical lament reminds us that in sorrow we still have the choice to step forward in trust toward God. For some of us, it will mean showing up at the Thanksgiving celebration when we’d rather stay home and mourn. For others, it will mean extending hospitality or generosity toward others, living out of trustful abundance instead of scarcity.
The Psalmist writes, “I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living” (Ps. 27:13). May this be our prayer as well. Honest in its lack. Hopeful in its outlook. Wholly committed to the God who ordains all things for our good.
AN UNGRATEFUL CHILD MIGHT:
- Become overly disappointed when things don’t work out.
- Expect bribes or rewards for good behavior.
- Pass blame when things go wrong.
- Show inability to handle disappointment.
- Rarely take initiative to help.
- Constantly whine, demand, or bargain for things.
- Care more about their own needs than anything else.
- Expect to be rescued from mistakes.
- Need bribes or treats to comply.
- Feel that rules don’t apply to them.
- Always want more…and more…and more…
If your child is showing behaviors like these, don’t worry. It’s not a sign of how the rest of their life will turn out. It just means that it’s time for them to learn a new set of skills.
And so, in keeping with our topic today, we want to say how grateful we are for YOU, our listeners. We are encouraged by your questions and intentionality in doing the important, difficult, joyful, difficult, powerful work of raising children. We love you even though we haven’t met you!