Table Manners

by | Oct 24, 2022 | Family Topics, Teenagers, Toddlers

Children aren’t born with table manners. They shove food in their mouths, and then talk with their mouths full. They smear food across their high chairs, throw it on the floor, chew with their mouths open, and burp. The list goes on. This is to be expected from a one-year-old who is learning to use a spoon and whose fine motor skills are still developing. BUT, let’s be honest. No one really wants to eat with a 5 or 8 or 12 year old who does those same things.

When my kids were about middle school age, our county had a series of “cotillion” classes, where they learned manners & etiquette alongside their peers. It culminated in a fancy dance at the end of the series.  That may be more of a “southern” tradition b/c in the South we DO notice manners and we still appreciate a good “yes, ma’am” and “yes, sir” when addressing adults.  But even if your kids are too young to go through cotillion or what they used to call “finishing school,” and even if that’s not a thing where you live, we STILL should be concerned about teaching our kids  manners. 

Why?? One of my favorite ways to set up a topic is to remember, before you know if something is working, you need to know what it’s for. So, what are manners for?

A couple of things:

First of all, manners are the glue that keep modern life from becoming like an episode of Survivor. “Manners, or etiquette, is a set of specific rules designed to ensure polite behavior in a group or within a culture. Part of being properly socialized within a culture is learning what that culture considers acceptable behavior in dining, conversation, and attire. Proper etiquette can vary from culture to culture.” 

https://www.gotquestions.org/etiquette-manners.html

Culture Matters

For example, in today’s topic, we’re going to encourage you to teach your kids to use a fork, spoon, and knife and chew with their mouths closed. But if we were living in China, table manners would be different. When Emma and I flew to China to visit my childhood friend, Jana, we found out that it was totally appropriate to nosh on a piece of bone-in chicken, chewing the yummy meat and spitting the cartilage and sinew on the tabletop. That’s the appropriate table manners for their culture. Slurping soup in our culture is thought to be rude, while in Japan it communicates appreciation to the cook. Chewing with your mouth open in Korea means you are enjoying your food and celebrating the meal, while in the US it means you’ll have fewer friends around for lunch. 🙂 

People Matter

Second of all, the basic standard for Christian behavior is 1 Corinthians 10:31, which says, “So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.” When our goal is to honor the Lord in every way, we remain aware that we represent Him everywhere we go. Whether sitting in a church service, shopping at the grocery store, or eating a meal together, we can do so for the glory of God.

When we carry the reputation of Jesus with us, our behavior affects the way others see Him. For one of God’s servants to be perceived as rude and uncivilized would be dishonoring to the Lord. Good etiquette is one way we can remove social barriers and create a connection with people who need to hear the Gospel.

Emily Post, author of the popular guide to etiquette written 100 years ago in 1922, notes that the three facets of good manners include respect, consideration, and honesty.

  1. Respect for others and yourself
  2. Consideration for others
  3. Honesty clothed in kindness

Physiology of Manners

Rudeness is “disrespectful or insensitive behavior.” Our brains tend to react immediately and intensely to it. When someone is rude, our brains interpret it as a threat. The result is a sudden increase in irritability, stress, and altered decision-making.

Several studies have shown that exposure to people who are rude, or verbally unkind, changes an individual’s creativity and hinders their cognitive abilities. Trever Foulk, a researcher at the University of Maryland, said “When it comes to incivility, there’s often a snowballing effect. The more you see rudeness, the more likely you are to perceive it from others and the more likely you are to be rude yourself, to others.”   Remember, 1 Cor 13, which sums it all up nicely: LOVE IS NOT RUDE.  (this is a good verse that even toddlers can understand and remember when you’re giving a “reason why” they shouldn’t eat like a caveman.)

The Impact of Rudeness and How to Prevent It

So let’s talk about table manners. What do we want our kids to be characterized by when they eat with us or at grandma’s house or a friend’s house?

We’ve come up with a list of 11 table manners that you’ll want to consider helping your kids master by the early elementary years.

  1. Wash your hands
    1. Your mother told you to do it, your teacher told you to do it, your work has policies and posts signs about doing it and social media even has graphic messages about doing it, still many do not do it or do it wrong. Handwashing is the single most important action that each of us can do to prevent the spread of germs and disease.
    2. Handwashing is important with meal preparation and before eating because it is the mode of transmission for many illnesses, such as the common cold. Hand to mouth contact is one way that these germs make it into our body. Many studies shows that by following proper handwashing procedures, we can greatly reduce the number of bacteria on our hands, which then reduces the risk of getting sick.
    3. Wet your hands with clean, running water (warm or cold), turn off the tap and apply soap. Lather your hands by rubbing them together with the soap. Be sure to lather the backs of your hands, between your fingers and under your nails. Scrub your hands, preferably for 20 seconds, but many resources say 10-15 seconds is adequate. Need a timer? Hum the “Happy Birthday” song from beginning to end twice. Rinse your hands well under clean, running water. Dry your hands using a clean towel or let them air-dry.
  2. Put a napkin in your lap
    1. To catch crumbs and have at the ready for messy mouths
  3. Keep your elbows off the table
    1. Why? One train of thought is that the rule of elbows ‘off’ the table originated during the middle ages. At this time period, particularly in England, the dining tables were not constructed in the same way as they are constructed now. They were actually ‘trestles’ and therefore less solid, and without a fixed base. A trestle would be covered with a simple cloth before dining to give a more elaborate appearance. Platters of food would be placed on one side (length) of the table and the guests would all be seated on the other side along the length of the table. If the guests were to lean on the table in any way (or place their elbows on the table) the table could  actually collapse, hence the rule of no elbows on the table!! This seems logical but is it still relevant nowadays? You can decide for yourself.

Here are some thoughts as to why you should keep your elbows OFF the table:

Space

Generally speaking, dining tables, particularly formal dining tables, have a limited amount of space for plates, utensils and glassware. This means that probably, there will not be enough space for your elbows while you are eating (I repeat, while you are eating!). Placing your elbows on the table means that you will have to place them outside of the silverware (table setting) which in turn means that you are potentially moving into someone else’s space! If you keep your elbows off the table, they will automatically be closer to your body so you will avoid invading the space of those around you and help avoid any bumps and spills at the same time!

Digestion

If you eat with your elbows on the table, your upper spine will slouch or bend forward toward the table. Therefore the posture of your ribs and lower back are compromised and compressed. As a result, your stomach becomes squashed and that’s not good news for your digestion. Simple!    

Pace

Hunching over your food and gobbling it down as fast as you can isn’t great for your digestion either, NOR does it promote good conversation.  It’s not likely you’re talking if you’re eating like you’re afraid someone’s going to take your plate away at any moment.  Like being in traffic—pay attention to the cars around you and go the same speed they are. It’s not a contest.  Pause for a drink.  Eating slower allows you to enjoy your food more AND you’re much more likely to eat less….  (childhood obesity—may come in part from rushed, mindless eating).   

Less of a choking hazard if you’re taking smaller, slower bites. Ration toddler’s bites and allow them to ask for “more, please” if they want more.  

Appearance

Slouching has never given anyone a positive image! If you slouch at the dining table it may not appear as a negative ‘look’ initially, but after a few moments it can be easy to slip into a ‘super slouch’ when your upper body follows the elbows onto the table! Not. A. Good. Look!! Elbows on the table can also prevent guests on either side of you from talking to you, particularly if you are leaning forward and they can’t have eye contact with you. Super rude!!

https://theetiquetteconsultant.com/blog/elbowsonthetable#:~:text=If%20you%20eat%20with%20your,good%20news%20for%20your%20digestion.
  1. Sit on your bottom and sit forward
    1. Practical: Keeps them from squirming out of the chair
    2. Courteous: Keeps you focused on the food and your family/guests
  2. No toys or electronics at the table
    1. Activities and responsibilities keep families apart for most of the day, but humans are hardwired to connect over food.
    2. This is great practice for learning good conversation and listening skills
    3. Check out our technology series (dates) for how harmful it is for us. Keep technology in its own lane and away from the dinner table.
    4. One family I read about puts their phones in the middle of the table at the restaurant so they aren’t tempted to “peek” at them during the meal.
  3. Don’t reach, say “Please pass the…”
    1. Why? Because no one wants you reaching across their plate to grab the squash casserole!  Corollary: don’t pick off someone else’s plate (without asking)….  Toddlers getting up & down & coming back to the table now & again to be fed something from mom or dad’s plate.  
    2. Again, it’s learning how to find a gap in the conversation and ask politely.
  4. Try a bite of each food
    1. Check out our kids and food series for an in-depth discussion of this, but this is the minimum courtesy for someone who spent time fixing the food.
    2. It’s a discipline in being open to trying new things or trying again, something you thought you didn’t like.
    3. It’s a skill so they aren’t “stuck” when they’re at someone else’s home and get served unfamiliar food.
  5. Talk with others at the table 
    1. Table topics are a great way to start conversations.
    2. Highs and lows and how you saw God working
    3. I read an article about a family that does a “family question” at dinner:
      1. Name one thing you wish you could change about yourself? (This led to some beautiful discussions about imperfections, and loving ourselves as well.) 
      2. If you were given a plane that could fit five friends, and unlimited funds, where would you go and who would you take? (This offered some great insight into what friends made “the cut” and where they wanted to visit.)
      3. How would you like someone to describe you? (This provided great insight into the virtues and character qualities each child desired for themselves.) https://www.littlewithgreatlove.com/family-gathering-around-dinner-table/
    4. Later in life, they’ll find those skills useful in all sorts of contexts, from the workplace to their romantic relationships. Natural conversation over family dinner is ideal practice for those sorts of situations. The best learning happens in the home, after all. 
  6. If you like your food, say so, if not, don’t complain
    1. Again, courtesy to the cook!
  7. When you are done, ask “May I be excused?”
    1. Learning to sublimate your desire to “move along” and listen to the conversation once you’re finished is a good discipline.
  8. Say “Thank you” and take your plate to the sink
    1. Scripture is filled with references to thanksgiving. We enter into God’s presence with thanksgiving (Ps 95), Paul connects it to the peace of Christ ruling our hearts (Col 3); we are to be thankful for each day (Ps 118); we are thankful for our future hope of God’s kingdom (Heb 12)… I could go on. But, for me, the incident that comes to mind is when Jesus healed 10 lepers but only one (the Samaritan, a foreigner!) came back to thank him.
    2. Being grateful should be part of our DNA as Christians. Anytime I see God requiring something of me in Scripture, I begin to think that it MUST be for my good. And gratitude is certainly proving to be that way.
    3. There are personal, emotional, social, and health benefits to gratitude… too many to list here, but we’ll just say that studies have shown that being grateful makes YOU more optimistic for the future, makes your relationships stronger, and improves your mental health. Teaching kids to say thank you is important for them and for the people around them!
    4. Helping clean up creates family bonds and is kind. It gets them out of themselves and makes them think of others. When I have cleaned the kitchen, I can understand the BREAK I am enjoying when it’s not my turn.

Learning table manners will keep us from selfish tendencies and help us to become more focused on the needs of others. 

Work on one thing at a time here.  Don’t ambush your kids at dinner tonight by all of a sudden requiring them to behave like they’re on Downton Abbey.  


If you’ve been working on things for a while and they slip up, ok.  You don’t want meals to become a battleground–you want a relaxed space for conversation AND a place to practice being “not rude.” You’re not going for a stuffy, anxious atmosphere.    

If our little one couldn’t stay in his chair at dinner, we took that as a sign we needed to work on that at OTHER times during the day.  Small steps.  Your 2 yr old (unless you’re in France) probably won’t have the self regulation to sit having conversation for 45 minutes….  Go for 15-20 min and praise for successes.  Patience & consistency.

With older kids, you can certainly explain & require table manners.