Intentionality in Marriage

by | Oct 3, 2022 | Family Topics, Marriage

The late Zig Ziglar, author, salesman, and motivational speaker, once said, “If you aim at nothing, you’ll hit it every time.” (Ba-du-bum-shhh)

This is true for almost everything in life, from our careers, to our friendships, to our goals for our children, and… especially our marriages. 

Today we are going to talk about intentionality in marriage. Now, you’ve heard us talk about intentionality in parenting over and over again on this podcast. You have goals (or intentions) for your children’s character, education, physical abilities, and more. You intend to reach those goals with planning and effort. Kids are not business projects or retirement accounts, there are a lot of variables there, but we get so much closer to ours goals for them when, as Zig Ziglar noted, we’re aiming.

Healthy marriages also require intentionality. 

Too many couples fall into a passive approach to their marriage, then they wake up one day wondering what went wrong. They operate their marriages in what we call default mode. They just live day-to-day, letting things happen without planning or direction or effort. Instead of default mode, we need a proactive approach for our marriages to grow strong and healthy. 

But being proactive or intentional within marriage does not always require major changes. In many ways, an intentional marriage is one in which small transitions of thought have a dramatic impact. But a successful marriage does demand effort.

Paul David Tripp, author of Marriage: 6 Gospel Commitments Every Couple Needs to Make, uses the example of a garden. He says:

You don’t plant a garden and walk away.  Even if you have done a good job of clearing the land, weeds are going to grow.  You’ve got to till and water that garden.  In the same way, you cannot walk away from a marriage and involve yourself in all of these cultural dreams and expect to come back in five years and your marriage will be okay.  It won’t happen.

One more note before we begin the practical advice:

The troubles that you face in your marriage are not evidence of total failure. They’re simply evidence that we live in the middle. Theologians call it the already-but-not-yet of the God’s redemption of the world. God has already given us his Word as our guide. Jesus has already died and rose again for our salvation as king of the universe. The Holy Spirit is already here to live within us, teach us, guide us. 

And yet.

Sin is not eradicated. We are not fully free from sin. Suffering, sadness, and death are still part of our everyday lives.

Part of living in the already-but-not-yet of God’s world means that our troubles ARE grace. Marriage is designed by God as a means to an end. It’s a signpost for the world of Christ’s love and faithfulness for his church and the church’s responsive faithfulness and cooperation with him. It’s a tool for us to die to ourselves and rise again to love and serve the other.

Read list of questions from page 56 of Tripp’s book.

  1. Give yourselves to a regular lifestyle of confession and forgiveness.
    1. This is the core of the gospel. If we cannot forgive each other, then we don’t understand the heart of what Jesus has done for us.
    2. Revisit the repentance, forgiveness, restoration model we’ve done before.
    3. P. 96 The Bible is very clear: what you plant, you will harvest (Gal 6:7). In a marriage, every day you harvest what you previously planted and plant what you will someday harvest.
    4. Pg 79: No change takes place in a marriage that does not begin with confession. Confession is the doorway to growth and change in your relationship. 
    5. P 101 Forgiveness is a vertical commitment that is followed by a horizontal transaction.
  2. Make growth and change your daily agenda. Pull weeds and plant seeds.
    1. Work to overcome a negative habit that hurts your marriage.
      1. Selfishness
      2. Busyness
      3. Inattention
      4. Self-righteousness
      5. Fear
      6. Laziness
    2. Look for concrete ways to love your spouse. A good beginning point is the fruit of Spirit.
      1. Beginning of chapter 8 (p 127) read quote about life being composed of 1000s of little mundane moments.
      2. What can you say “no” to?
      3. How can you be a positive influence in the way your spouse thinks about him/herself?
  3. Work together to build a study bond of trust.
    1. Trust questionnaire on p 151 – How do you rate your marriage?
    2. What is one thing your spouse sometimes does that tears down your trust in him or her? What about you? How can you change that? 
    3. What were some things you did well in the early years of your marriage?
    4. Straightforward communication (couch time without manipulation), keeping your word (fixing that lamp, having dinner ready on time), facing up to your wrongs (admitting it!), watching out for the other person, keeping short accounts all help build trust
  4. Commit to building a relationship of love.
    1. What have you adjusted to as “normal” in your marriage that shouldn’t be?
    2. Know your spouse’s love languages and commit to “speak” them daily.
      1. Words of encouragement
      2. Physical touch and closeness
      3. Acts of service
      4. Gift giving
      5. Quality time
    3. Look for signs of “drought” in your marriage: disunity, misunderstanding, separation, physical dysfunction, conflict. (p 188-ff)
    4. Love is willing self-sacrifice (Jesus is our model here) for the good of another that does not require reciprocation.
    5. Tripp writes, “Perhaps one of the most unrecognized sins in marriage is the sin of forgetfulness.” How have you been forgetful? How can you change?
    6. Love is being a good student of your spouse, looking for his/her physical, emotional, and spiritual needs so that you can remove the burden, offer support as he/she carries it, or encourage him/her along the way.
  5. Deal with our differences with appreciation and grace.
    1. What were some of the first differences that we noticed between ourselves and our husbands? Did these cause friction after we married?
    2. Refuse to see differences as right or wrong. Instead, try to celebrate them. (Give practical examples)
  6. Work to protect our marriage.
    1. Tripp writes that most marriages are a combination of work and laziness. Where are you working? Where are you coasting?
    2. Praying for your spouse is critical to protecting your marriage. Praying with them is critical too.
    3. Put your money where your goal is – date nights, weekends away, etc.

Tripp calls marriage a “dance of sin and grace.” Because we are sinners, we have to work on our marriage everyday, but because we love God, we have the grace and power to do the work! A good marriage is a good marriage because the people in that marriage work to make it good.