On today’s episode we’re talking about another one of the 4 temperaments—the way a child is built socially/emotionally/relationally. We categorize temperaments in many ways (Enneagram, Myers/Briggs, etc.), but to simplify the concept, we’ve divided the four basic temperaments into colors, which is –for us—just easier to remember when you’re trying to keep a bunch of family members straight!
Proverbs 22:6 (Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it) is likely be referring to the temperaments and a word of advice to wise parents who discern their child’s tendencies early and work within them to teach, correct, and motivate a child.
On today’s episode, we’re looking at the child with a GOLD temperament.
About 38% of the population is gold, so there are a lot of us out there. **I’m raising my hand b/c this is me. We are the proverbial “type A’s”. Think: Hermione Granger, Leslie Knope (from Parks & Rec), Miranda Priestly (the Devil Wears Prada), Jerry Seinfeld, “Rabbit” (from Winnie the Pooh).
80% of US school teachers are this temperament. Remember back when you were in school? How did the typical classroom look? How did you get from class to cafeteria? How were you supposed to turn in your papers? (also remember one size does not fit all…so gold kids are great with gold teachers, but other temperaments have difft learning styles/environments!)
Let’s just point out that the label of “gold” has nothing to do with “better than” like the getting the gold on the Olympic podium. It’s just a color. Call it yellow if it makes you feel better. It’s just a way to remember the temperaments. (probably a Freudian choice, b/c of all 4 colors, it’s the gold temperament folks who would tend to claim that it DOES mean “better than,”…)
In children, this temperament is probably one of the earliest to discern. By age 2, these kids show an independent spirit and will try things other kids might not attempt until later. They’re often strong-willed (but show me a 2-3 yr old who isn’t!) and have that classic toddler “ME DO IT!” impulse down solid. They can directly challenge you as a parent like none other.
THEY want to buckle their car seat, get dressed themselves, pour the drink, push the elevator button, etc…
In other words…. They want to Be in control. This shows up with the “me do it” phrase, but also with their environment and routine. One of my kiddos is equally green/gold, and when she was little, she was already lining up toys in neat rows, placing her stuffed animals on her bed “in their right places,” and wanting to know the schedule for the day.
Schedule/routine is important for gold kids. What’s next, where are we going? What happens after my nap? Are people coming over? What’s for dinner?
Like greens, they don’t love change and can be hard to transition from one task to another, especially if it’s a surprise or spontaneous. Tell them what’s expected and what’s coming up. Give them a 5-minute warning to help them gear up for a change that’s coming.
They don’t really like people “touching their stuff,” or “messing up their spaces,” so knowing other kids are coming over to play gives them time to decide what they’re willing to share and what can be put away.
Golds tend to use more concrete words rather than abstract ones. At social gatherings they tend to talk about their everyday lives, the happenings at work and about their families rather than new and different ideas.
Gold temperaments are leaders. They are the “getter donners” that you can count on when assigned a project or task. (While the green temperament sees big-picture/strategy, the gold breaks the task down into conquerable bites and tackles each one until they’re done.)
They’re decisive. (way they shop: in & out) Just pick one. Efficiency and very time-aware.
You hold onto shared family beliefs and traditions, even when they create friction in some of your relationships. Those beliefs are so deeply-ingrained, you don’t know who you’d be without them. So, you’re unlikely to question those beliefs and traditions, much less discard them for new ones.
We can be judgy. “How hard is it?” and “Who does that?” are two of your favorite phrases. The only correct answers, of course, are “I know, right?” and “Only someone clearly not as cool as you.”
Golds love lists. We like to make lists, check off lists, accomplish tasks on our lists, and break our lists into sub-lists. Golds are organized. The Container Store is our happy place. Tabs, labels, color-coded markers make our hearts sing. (Renee’s husband David has a fondness for label makers that is unmatched.)
This insight might tell you something about a child with a gold temperament. When they’re in school, their study environments make a difference. Piles, chaos, disorganization in their environment affects their MINDS/SPIRIT. (Contrast this to a green child who is happiest with teetering piles of papers as their “system.”) (If children of 2 temperaments are sharing a room….or if you as a parent are not gold but your child is, how your home’s tidiness affects their mood…!!)
The opposite is also true. If you are a gold parent, the state of your playroom/kids’ rooms might drive you insane! (I was forever obsessed about keeping all the puzzle/game pieces from each puzzle together in the right place, Polly Pocket accessories had their own bin, etc…)
You as the parent have the right to keep house as you want to, but keep in mind what home is supposed to be: a safe place. If everyone in your family is constantly and ONLY worried about having everything just right or incurring “the wrath of mom,” the tone of your home changes. Guess what? Parenting helps us work on ourselves and accommodate others. (in case you hadn’t heard that)
As learners Golds are more interested in the facts rather than ideas. They want the details. They prefer that the teacher just tell them what they need to know. Having to do research and find out on their own can leave Golds feeling that they might miss out on something that the teacher expects them to know.
During their teen years Golds take on increasing responsibility. They will want to get jobs to save for their future such as their further education. They will have their rebellious times but these don’t tend to last as long as they might for other temperaments. They need to feel grown up and they want to take their place in society.
As adults Golds like the predictability of life patterns. They grow up, get a job, find a mate, raise a family, and if all goes well, they’ll live long and prosperous lives with a loving family at their bedside when they pass on. Another aphorism they live by is: “Hope for the best but expect the worst.”
They form the backbone of institutions. They fill the places of worship, the service clubs and businesses. Having a title is important and they respect the office even though they may not particularly admire the person holding the position. That is why family is so important to them. They know they belong to that clan or tribe.
Motivation: the WAY you compliment/praise a child most effectively is different depending on their temperament. (We say this all the time: YOU know your child! Kids aren’t all alike.)
Make sure you express your appreciation with specific attention to effort. Gold temperaments can tend toward perfectionism…. so you want to downplay these tendencies to “do it exactly right the first time.” Praise for being brave to try something new—golds are often afraid to try b/c they’re afraid to fail.
Golds are likely to try their best, get upset when they don’t get the highest grade or straight A’s or win the game. Focus on ways to learn from failure/mistakes. Be careful not to base your approval/perceived love on performance!
As we’ve said, it’s good to give a gold temperament a head’s up. They do best with a “5 minute warning” before transitions because change can be difficult.
Besetting Sin
[parenting made practical— have a new workbook & video on temperaments that is a great add’l resource. They’re also scheduled to teach 5 zoom classes starting in late Aug 2022 on how temperaments impact you, your spouse, and your kids. You can sign up for these on their website parentingmadepractical.com!]
Each of the temperament types is also associated with a negative tendency, or what the folks over at Parenting Made Practical call a “besetting sin.” It’s a trait that’s a natural tendency but if left unchecked or unrefined, can become an ugly aspect of someone.
For the gold temperament, this most often shows up as anger.
This most often stems from the feeling that they’re not in control. (which: newsflash, you’re a kid, you’re often NOT in control and shouldn’t be.)
While golds are leaders, they can be bossy. While they’re decisive, they can be impatient with others. While they’re independent & self-sufficient, they can be argumentative and demanding.
Remember they’re one of the earliest temperaments to discern, and maybe this is because it often takes a looonnggg time to work on heart issues with this child. They have a very hard time admitting they were wrong, apologizing, or asking for forgiveness. It’s a life-long journey of teaching/elevating submission, humility, and self-control.
If you think about it, the root of these heart issues is all selfishness & pride. If I’m angry, someone has violated the way *I* think it should be, and I’m pretty much always right.
Need to really work on learning your child’s signals BEFORE they get out of control (before that tantrum), and rein it in. Have them go sit and get some self control before the blast radius takes down the whole house.
Gold temperaments—unchecked—learn to manipulate with their anger. The answer is to not engage. You can’t get angry back, you have to model calm. (Let me just tell you if you are a gold parent training a gold child this will be your biggest life struggle!!!)
If a gold child triggers you to get angry back, they’ve won. Teach them (by example) how to bring that emotion under control. How to peel the onion and identify why they’re REALLY angry. (earlier this year we did a whole episode on helping a child dig into reasons for their anger: parenting an angry child—end of January)
“A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Proverbs 15:1
“For as churning cream produces butter, and as twisting the nose produces blood, so stirring up anger produces strife.” Proverbs 30:33
Sermon on the Mount: Matthew 5:21-24
Repentance: be reconciled
21 “You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, ‘You shall not murder,[a] and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.’ 22 But I tell you that anyone who is angry with a brother or sister[b][c] will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to a brother or sister, ‘Raca,’[d] is answerable to the court. And anyone who says, ‘You fool!’ will be in danger of the fire of hell.
23 “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, 24 leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.
John 7: Jesus Teaches at the Festival
Take context into account.
14 Not until halfway through the festival did Jesus go up to the temple courts and begin to teach. 15 The Jews there were amazed and asked, “How did this man get such learning without having been taught?”
16 Jesus answered, “My teaching is not my own. It comes from the one who sent me. 17 Anyone who chooses to do the will of God will find out whether my teaching comes from God or whether I speak on my own. 18 Whoever speaks on their own does so to gain personal glory, but he who seeks the glory of the one who sent him is a man of truth; there is nothing false about him. 19 Has not Moses given you the law? Yet not one of you keeps the law. Why are you trying to kill me?”
20 “You are demon-possessed,” the crowd answered. “Who is trying to kill you?”
21 Jesus said to them, “I did one miracle, and you are all amazed. 22 Yet, because Moses gave you circumcision (though actually it did not come from Moses, but from the patriarchs), you circumcise a boy on the Sabbath. 23 Now if a boy can be circumcised on the Sabbath so that the law of Moses may not be broken, why are you angry with me for healing a man’s whole body on the Sabbath? 24 Stop judging by mere appearances, but instead judge correctly.”