We talk a lot on this podcast about how every kid is different, even within the same family. When we say this, we’re talking about ways they’re gifted or talented—one is more athletic, another is a whiz at math or can pick up a guitar and just know what to do.
We’re ALSO talking about temperament, the way a child is built socially/emotionally/relationally. Whether they’re an introvert or extrovert, whether they’re serious-minded or more playful.
You might be familiar with Psalm 22:6: Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.
This may very well be a truism that refers to temperament. A child’s basic temperament will not change in their lifetime. Wise parents try to discern this early on and use their understanding of each child when training, teaching, correcting, and motivating their kids.
People throw lots of words around when talking about this subject, so we want to clarify before we dive in. Temperament, personality, & character are different.
TEMPERAMENT
Temperament is the natural part of your personality that comes from your genes. And that’s why we see it as the biological and instinctive part of personality. In fact, it’s the part of your personality that always shows up first.
You can even see different temperaments in babies. For example, some babies are more likely to show and feel positive emotions or negative ones. Some babies are more likely to have a good mood or a bad mood. In behavioral terms, we call these babies “easier” or “more difficult.”
Because it’s genetic and comes from your inherited traits, temperament is hard to modify, manipulate, or change. In some way or another, that tendency will always be there. But that doesn’t mean you can’t make an effort to encourage it or stop yourself from doing it. If you were an iceberg, it would be part of the bit that’s underwater. And that would mean that you can still take some control over how it comes up in the bit that sticks out of the water.
Character
William Straton Bruce writes in 1908’s The Formation of Christian Character:
Above all, [character] includes a choice, a settled habit or bent of will, so that it can be seen in its outcome in conduct. Character takes up the raw material of nature and temperament, and it weaves these into the strong, well-knit texture of a fully moralized manhood.
From the art of manliness website: The etymology of character is quite telling. The word comes from the Greek kharakter for “engraved mark,” “symbol or imprint on the soul,” and “instrument for marking,” and can be traced further back to the words for “to engrave,” “pointed stake,” and “to scrape and scratch.”
Anciently, a character was the stamp or marking impressed into wax and clay
It’s certainly not a word that’s used as much as it once was. Cultural historian Warren Susman researched the rise and fall of the concept of character, tracing its prevalence in literature and the self-improvement manuals and guides popular in different eras. What he found is that the use of the term “character” began in the 17th century and peaked in the 19th – a century, Susman writes, that embodied “a culture of character.” During the 1800s, “character was a key word in the vocabulary of Englishmen and Americans,” and men were spoken of as having strong or weak character, good or bad character, a great deal of character or no character at all. Young people were admonished to cultivate real character, high character, and noble character and told that character was the most priceless thing they could ever attain. Starting at the beginning of the 20th century, however, Susman found that the ideal of character began to be replaced by that of personality.
But character and personality are two very different things.
As society shifted from producing to consuming, ideas of what constituted the self began to transform. The rise of psychology, the introduction of mass-produced consumer goods, and the expansion of leisure time offered people new ways of forming their identity and presenting it to the world. In place of defining themselves through the cultivation of virtue, people began to express themselves through hobbies, dress, and material possessions. Susman observed this shift through the changing content of self-improvement manuals, which went from emphasizing moral imperatives and work to personal fulfillment: “The vision of self-sacrifice began to yield to that of self-realization.”
While advice manuals of the 19th century (and some of the early 20th as well) emphasized what a man really was and did, the new advice manuals concentrated on what others thought he was and did. In a culture of character, good conduct was thought to spring from a noble heart and mind; with this shift, perception trumped inner intent. Readers were taught how to be charming, control their voice, and make a good impression. A great example of this is Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People from 1936. It focused on how to get people to like you and how to get others to perceive you well versus trying to improve your actual inner moral compass.
Character is the aspect of personality that includes temperament (inherited traits) and the social and educational habits that you’ve learned. That is, it’s both a natural component of personality and one you learn.
It’s also a result of the experiences and social interactions in your life, the ones you learn lessons from. And that makes it so these habits have an influence on your temperament and biological predispositions. The habits also adjust those predispositions and polish them, shaping your personality. That’s why character’s roots are in culture.
Renee: I think of character as standards to which my children must rise, regardless of personality. And the apostle Paul talks about stages of human development once they are in Christ:
Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we[a] have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2 through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we[b] boast in the hope of the glory of God. 3 Not only so, but we[c] also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.
And in his letter to the Corinthians he talks about how our character is affected by those we hang around: Do not be misled: “Bad company corrupts good character.” (Reminds me of our guest, David Skidmore, who said, “You are who you hang around.”)
Character isn’t as stable as temperament. Because it’s not genetic, it doesn’t show up fully in the early stages of development. It actually goes through different stages and takes its fullest form during adolescence. That’s also why you can modify it and make changes to it, for example, through social education. People tend to mix this term up with personality, so it’s very common for people to use them in the exact same way.
Personality is inborn and character is learned. Personality comes from adding up character (temperament and learned habits) and behavior. This means it includes both of these things at the same time.
COLORS
There are tons of temperament assessments out there, and odds are you’ve heard of at least one of them: Myers/Briggs, Enneagram, ancient Greek humors, ones that use animals as representations. The one we use that we’ve found is easiest to understand in a basic way breaks down temperament types into 4 colors.
On this episode, we’re just talking about ONE of those colors: BLUE.
It’s worth mentioning that you can often get an idea of what your child’s temperament may be even when they’re babies/toddlers.
So, what does it look like if your child is blue? How do you parent a blue child differently than another temperament type?
Your child might be blue if they’re extra snuggly or cry to be held. Crave touch and closeness. To some extent all babies of course need to be held, but blue kids in particular are happiest when they’re near you. Touching you. On top of you. (contrast this with a green kid who is more content to be left alone to fall asleep or gets cranky if held too much.)
People with this temperament are often “gifted;” They have artistic/creative tendencies. They’re good listeners and loyal, faithful friends. They love to be helpful and can be very self-sacrificing. They attract people who need a shoulder to lean on. They’re very good at giving little gifts or sending notes to be thoughtful. Birthdays & anniversaries are very important to mark as special occasions. They’re hospitable, sensitive. They like to run in herds… (ask others out to dinner, don’t go shopping/eat out/movie alone!).
Blue people need to know they’ve made a difference in your life. They often get overloaded because they hate to refuse anyone their help. Because they’re so relational, when they’ve been hurt by someone they’ve given their loyalty to, they can hold a mean grudge. Can be easily offended/insulted.
This temperament is highly critical (of others and themselves). They tend to have very high expectations of others and can often see the one negative thing rather than all the good in something.
If this resonates with you as how one of your children behaves (or yourself, or your spouse!), how best can you relate?
Motivation: the WAY you compliment/praise a child most effectively is different depending on their temperament. (We say this all the time: YOU know your child! Kids aren’t all alike.)
Motivation tools for a blue child: get eye-to-eye with them; they’re relational first. Make sure you express your appreciation when they’ve completed something or done a good job. Express your requests as a “I need your help” statement or “can you help mom? Can you help your little sister?”
Besetting Sin
Each of the temperament types is also associated with a negative tendency, or what the folks over at Parenting Made Practical call a “besetting sin.” It’s a trait that’s a natural tendency but if left unchecked or unrefined, can become an ugly aspect of someone.
For the blue temperament, this shows up as an inability to control emotions.
**(For more in-depth resources about the temperaments, the Parenting Made Practical website has a new video & workbook that are super helpful! You can also register for Zoom classes on “How Temperaments Impact You, Your Spouse, and Your Kids.”)**
Their sensitive natures can make them become moody and make it hard for them to forgive. So with this child, you’ll need to watch for spirals of self-pity and negativity. You’ll need to perhaps work harder with them on the concept of forgiveness and granting it freely.
One thing we did was when we did Hi/Lo each night, this child always had to state the Hi’s first—focusing on the positive. We’d often highlight the positive in something or someone (a sibling, a friend, situation) to emphasize that virtue.
Parents would do well to keep this child’s love tank full! They will likely need lots of physical touch & quality time, gifts and encouraging words. They can be kind of bottomless pits when it comes to making them FEEL loved.
Parents also need to be SURE and ask this child for forgiveness if you’ve wounded him. Resentful feelings can often turn into bitterness for them.
These kids can be worriers because they’re such deep feelers. The heaviness of the world, the hurts of others, can really affect them. Work on allowing them to help where they can, but realizing they can’t fix/help/cure everyone & everything.
With this temperament, a child tends to be focused on how she FEELS about everything. She can wear her mood on her sleeve. How they perceive things is based on how they feel about themselves or how he believes others see him. …
So you can see this might lead to reality being filtered through feelings rather than truth. It may be hard to make an objective decision because everything goes through the feeling filter first.
As they get older, this can tend toward situational ethics—actions based on the feelings at the time rather than a set moral standard. Parents will need to know that with this child, you’ll have to ask questions about what’s real and what’s their emotional take.
They can manipulate/control with their emotions. They want nothing more than for a parent to feel sorry for them. (They’re the ones who, as toddlers, pack their little bag and “run away” to “show them”.) If you’re not careful, when you let this child get you focused on their emotions to the point that you’ve sidestepped an issue/correction, your focus changes to “cheering them up” and you might forget what it was that got them in trouble in the first place.
Are you bending over backwards to cheer your child up or keep him happy so he doesn’t throw a fit? Is she pouting because she didn’t get her way? Will he listen to reason or spiral into moody rants?
A key skill—and it’s a skill as well as a virtue—for a blue child is self control. Parents need to coach this child not to take everything personally, think of others, and be willing to forgive.
If you are a blue PARENT raising a blue CHILD, it helps a lot to have an objective (differently temperamented) spouse or friend step in because you can let your OWN emotions turn into a vortex with your child’s. It will be EXTRA EASY for you to take their normal toddler or teenage behaviors personally and get your feelings hurt—-when parenting really has nothing to do with YOU.
Don’t use your own emotions to manipulate your child, either. It goes both ways. As the adult, ask YOURSELF why you may be upset at your child—is it because they’ve crossed a moral or behavioral line or because they weren’t relating in a way you expected?