After that first gasp at birth, the next sound from a baby is typically A CRY. And there’s a lot more where that came from! Childhood comes with a lot of tears.
Kids cry when they’re hungry, when they’re tired, when you leave them, when they don’t get what they want, and when they’re just having a bad day. There’s a great video of a 3-yr old just boo-hooing over Justin Bieber.
If you poll most parents what they want most for their child, they’ll say “I just want my child to be happy.” If this is your goal, all those tears can be pretty distressing for you. It can bring up feelings in YOU of feeling helpless, frustrated, worried, and like a failure at some level. HOW we react to our kids’ emotions plays a part in helping them (or hindering them!) in developing emotional regulation.
Sadness, like ALL the other feelings we’ve got wired into us, is NORMAL and OK. It’s not unusual for children to experience it. Many kids experience persistent & frequent sadness at points during their childhood. (Only about 2-3% of young kids will experience the type and extent that might be diagnosed as a formal depressive disorder.)
Logically, we know that kids are more likely to experience sad moods when they are dealing with tough life situations like family separations, grief, illness, poverty, learning problems. (Children NEED routine/structure to feel secure/safe. Disruptions to their “normal” can really shift their foundations and stir up big emotions.)
Some kids, due to personality and heredity, are kids “with big feelings.” They may be more creative, quiet, and sensitive to lots of things (noise, environment, etc) but also emotions.
We’ve said it before on our podcast, and it’s worth repeating: you as a parent are not RESPONSIBLE for your child’s feelings. You ARE responsible for nurturing and meeting your child’s needs but this isn’t the same as FIXING their emotions or feelings.
When you let go of the unrealistic expectation of fixing someone else’s feelings (this goes for anyone—your child or your friend or your MIL!), you give yourself space to focus on YOUR OWN reaction to their strong/uncomfortable feelings. This lets you be emotionally available to them to comfort and calm them without NEEDING them to calm down. You can then share your own calm AND help them work through the WHY of their big feelings.
What might it look like if you have a child who’s frequently sad? They typically have less interest in socializing, find life more effortful, will be less interested in being physical active or doing enjoyable activities and will be more likely to cry more often. They may be irritable about everything, and complain about pain or fatigue. They may appear to have low self esteem and say things like “I’m no good”.
Some of those kids we mentioned earlier (the ones with big feelings) can become sad in empathic ways. For example, they read a sad book, see a sad movie, see something on the news that’s disturbing, see a poster about a lost dog. The hurt of the world can become THEIR hurt as they empathize deeply & personally take on those burdens.
This impulse is certainly not something you’d want to “fix” because surely the world needs compassionate, empathetic people! But if left to run wild, if it’s unharnessed, it can spiral into generalized sadness—where the world is just a depressing place and the burdens get heavier and heavier.
How is this different from Depression?
While many children and teenagers experience moodiness and growing pains, depression goes beyond temporary changes in mood and behavior and can impact every aspect of your child’s life. Depression is a mood disorder that commonly presents in teenagers and can be treated. Look for the following signs/symptoms:
- Sadness or hopelessness
- A decline in school performance
- Social isolation
- Changes in eating patterns
- Changes in weight
- Sleep disturbances
- Loss of interest in activities
- Restlessness and agitation
- Feeling of guilt
- Difficulty concentrating
- Tearfulness or frequent crying
Depression is a deeper, medical issue. In this episode, we’re just talking about inordinate SADNESS.
HOW TO HELP
Are there any “bad” emotions? No. I (Renee) think there are bad responses to emotions and that we can practice spiritual disciplines and set ourselves up for success in ways that those emotions become less frequent, even getting to the point where we aren’t characterized by them.
Emotion regulation is not just about expressing emotions in a socially appropriate manner. It is a three-phase process that involves teaching children to
- identify emotions,
- identify what triggers those emotions,
- and to manage those emotions themselves.
When we teach kids that their emotions are valid, we help them view what they feel as normal and manageable. https://www.gottman.com/blog/age-age-guide-helping-kids-manage-emotions/
The Psalms are a great place to go for unpacking emotions. David does this three-step process in Psalm 43:
Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God. Ps. 43:5
- Identify emotions
- So we recognize the feeling and give it a name. “I see you’re feeling upset/sad. It’s ok to feel that way.” I understand. Be empathetic (I’m sorry you’re feeling down.”)
- In Psalm 42 and 43 the emotion is sadness: David describes his emotions as downcast and disturbed.In Ps 42 he says “My tears have been my food day and night.”
- Identify what triggers those emotions
- Listen. Listening is often the fix when you can’t fix. Can you tell me about what’s bothering you? I hear you. When you show your child that you understand their feelings and share in their pain, it can help alleviate the burden of what they’re feeling. This doesn’t give them the impression that you’ll fix everything for them, but it shows you’re willing to embrace their feelings with them.
- Be patient. The child can’t “make themselves” be positive or happy. (address this—b/c we often isolate for a bit and see if they can “find their happy heart.” Is this communicating that their emotions are unacceptable?)
- David notes earlier in Ps 43 the cause of his sadness: there’s an injustice and he feels abandoned by God. “For you are the God in whom I take refuge, why have you rejected me?”
- Helping children manage those emotions themselves
- Are there particular “sad triggers” you can notice? Coming back from a wknd with dad (if parents are separated/divorced), Sunday nights (having to go back to school on Monday morning), etc., Help them think through how these can be managed differently (expectations, routines around the incidents, etc.)
- Help them notice when they feel GOOD or INTERESTED in something. “Positive parts of my day” list. Highs & lows at dinner table—with focus on the highs. For children who tend to be negative, tell me 3 happy things about your day. Help them start small. Help them LOOK FOR the positives. Then help them CREATE MORE positives. They can be in charge of finding some each day. What made you smile? Who was kind to you? What good thing did you do for someone else?
- Piggy backing off that last question (above): the melancholy personality can really spiral into a “poor pitiful me” mindset. Everyone has done something to me, no one is nice to me, nothing goes my way…. The focus here tends to be ME and I and SELF. It can be really helpful to redirect (not dismiss!) the thinking patterns to an OTHERS CENTERED way of thinking. Flip the script. Ask them who are you thinking of?
- Finally, at the end of the Psalm, David manages his emotions: He talks to himself and reminds himself of what is true: Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God, for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God.”
Other Factors to Help Children Emotionally Regulate Sadness
It’s no coincidence that doing something for someone else, being generous, being kind, welcoming, helpful, outward focused actually improves our mood and generates endorphins (happy hormones). Scripture is FULL of one-another references, perhaps to help us naturally self-inclined humans actually think of someone ELSE once in a while. This is especially true/helpful for kids (and adults) who tend to be mopey or Eeyore-like in their moods.
(Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, I’m gonna go eat worms. …remember that nursery rhyme/song?)
- Work on increased social connection. Social isolation is not a good recipe for improved mood.
- Make sure they’re getting SLEEP, NUTRITION, and GOING OUTSIDE. Being outdoors in the sun and with your feet on the earth can improve mood dramatically!
- Limit (or better yet, ELIMINATE) all screens until age 10. Some kids are much more sensitive to digital stimulation & early or too much exposure to screens (even “educational” screens in school) can really have a negative effect. Replace screens with interactive activities, especially social or outdoors ones.
- Contact a professional therapist.
A note about TOXIC POSITIVITY:
I see this adage of “good vibes only” everywhere. While there is some research around positive thinking and how optimistic outlooks have benefits, there IS also a thing called toxic positivity, which is what we DON’T want to do with our kids (or anyone else who’s sad or struggling, for that matter.)
Toxic positivity demands positivity regardless of the challenges someone faces. It tends to silence or shame their emotions. Remember from the previous “handling your child’s emotions” podcasts on anger and fear, that we DON’T want to dismiss or shame our kids’ emotions (don’t be silly—there’s nothing to be sad about!)
- telling a parent who’s had a miscarriage to be happy that at least they can have more children/try again.
- Asserting after some terrible event “everything happens for a reason.”
- Telling someone to get over their grief/suffering and focus on the good things in their life.
- Brushing off someone’s concerns by saying “it could be worse.”
Avoid imposing toxic positivity on others by:
- encouraging people to speak openly about their emotions
- getting more comfortable with negative emotions
- avoiding trying to have a positive response to everything a person says
- recognizing that intense negative emotions often coincide with powerful positive emotions, such as when profound grief signals intense love
One parting thought from Amy Joy Lykosh, author of Prayer Refresh and the podcast Make Prayer Beautiful:
Yes, joy is part of the Christian life, one of the fruit of the Spirit.
But when it’s time to lament, then lament.
How can you lament well?
Sometimes a person feels pain or sadness because they’re believing a lie. “I’m a failure,” for example. Or, “God abandoned me.”
Neither of these statements is true, but they feel true, and they cause pain.
But sometimes we have pain that’s not based on a lie.
Sometimes the parent dies. Sometimes the child gets an unwanted diagnosis.
Some things in life are deeply, terribly sad.
When pain comes from sorrow, give the sadness to Jesus.
Lord Jesus, I am not strong enough to carry this sadness. My shoulders are not strong enough. Thank you that the scripture says of you that, ’Surely he has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows.’ You are strong enough to carry this sadness. I am not. I give it to you. Your word also promises peace that passes understanding. Because you promise it, I don’t have to wonder if it’s for me. It’s a gift you give, and I receive it.
Let me grieve the right amount. Let me share your heart. But let me not get stuck in grief. Let me share your heart in all things, both in sorrow and in joy.
Jesus, thank you that you came to bear our griefs and carry our sorrows. Thank you that we get to give our sorrows to you.
A healthy response to sadness is to grieve with our children in the moment, to pray as we felt led, and then bear those burdens to you, Jesus, so you would carry them.
Thank you for your strong shoulders. Amen.
C.S. Lewis wrote in The Great Divorce, “[Some mortals] say of some temporal suffering, “No future bliss can make up for it,” not knowing that Heaven, once attained, will work backwards and turn even that agony into a glory.”