A couple episodes back, we talked about how EMOTIONS are often an unexpected part of parenting—both our own and our child’s.
A lot of times (& I think this is a more recent development in the US culture) we as parents are somehow triggered by our child’s big emotions—and they have a lot of them! We can get caught in the net of trying to “mood fix”, running around making sure everything is “just right” so our child doesn’t experience/feel anything unpleasant.
Of course you want to change their dirty diaper, feed them when they’re hungry, soothe them when they’re upset, but this can morph along the way into being reluctant/afraid to let them feel ANY emotion (except happiness/contentment). The problem with this (although it’s well-intentioned!) is that it contributes to a child’s ANXIETY. They essentially get the message that they’re incapable of coping when unpleasant things arise (which of course they will), And WE as parents are ragged stress-balls smoothing the way (mood fixing) all the time. Anxious/stressed parents raise anxious/stressed kids. So are we doing them any favors? Not in the long run.
It’s best for US and our kids if we recognize that emotions (even the unpleasant ones) are NORMAL and NECESSARY. If instead of making sure they never occur, we can teach our kids (& ourselves!) how to OBSERVE them and get through them, we’ll all be better served.
Today we’re tackling FEAR.
Not surprising—scripture is liberal with the fear references:
“Fear not” or some version of that is written 365x in the bible.
Can we just take a moment to acknowledge that we don’t make the best decisions from a place of fear? Abraham was afraid of the king and convinced Sarah to say she was his sister. TWICE! The Israelites listened to the 10 spies who were afraid to enter the Promised Land and got a 40-year time out from God. Solomon was afraid of the countries that surrounded them and collected horses and chariots: the very thing God had forbidden.
After the death of Moses, the Lord spoke to Joshua… God tells Joshua three times as they’re about to enter the Promised Land: Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.
When I am afraid, I put my trust in You. (Psm 56:3)
“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.” (Psm 23:4)
“The Lord is my light and my salvation—whom shall I fear? (Psm 27:1)
1 John 4:18 PERFECT LOVE CASTS OUT FEAR
There is one fear that is called the beginning of knowledge: it’s the fear of God. What would you say is the opposite of fear? Courage? Faith? How about love? Love can’t flourish in the company of fear. Love is eternal; fear is a dead end.
Lots of kids go through periods of fear as a matter of development. As our kids learn more about the world, some things are confusing or frightening. Most children at certain ages will become scared of specific things.
PARENTAL FEAR
Joshua Straub made an observation about parental fear in an article at Focus on the Family that I thought was helpful to note before we begin talking about our kids’ fears. “I’ve discovered that in parenting, fear is the enemy of margin. Margin is important, because it is the time we allow ourselves for unexpected challenges, conversations and time together as a family.
“The more I allow my fears to guide my parenting, the more I‘ll fill the margin with things to combat my anxieties. That, in turn, makes me less emotionally safe for my child, because being emotionally present requires margin. When every minute is filled, I can‘t pause to have a meaningful conversation with my child or seize a teachable moment.”
Like so many times in parenting, take a moment to assess what you are really afraid of before you try to mitigate fear in your children.
COMMON FEARS BY AGE:
Newborns come with “the startle reflex”. It’s part of the standard factory model. They fling their arms out and then draw them back in—in response to loud noise, the feeling of falling, sometimes crying.
There’s some genetics involved. Some kids are more sensitive/emotional. If there’s one (or both) anxious parents, that’s contagious. If you’re overprotective, it leads to helplessness/anxiety.
We’re talking about common fears, not the truly fearful situations that some children face (abuse, war zones, violence).
AGES 0-2
Loud noises, things that might overload senses (storms, vacuum, blender, hair dryer, balloons popping, bath draining). At first, nervous systems are in beta testing….too much info coming at them at once is too much for those new nervous systems to handle.
Separation: Around 9-10 months, they learn that “things disappear but they still exist.” When you leave, you are somewhere, just not where they can see you. They start to grapple with where you are, when you’ll return. When they’re around 2, they start to understand how much they need your love & protection.
Strangers: Stranger awareness peaks around 6-8 months. They have a close connection to those who care for them. For lots of babies, people outside “their chosen few” need to move gently. Babies are sensitive to their personal space.
So combining stranger anxiety & separation anxiety can be a tough pairing…your child doesn’t like being away from you but they’re not a fan of who you’re leaving them with. Bad combo, but it will end.
Costume: Santa! Easter Bunny! Mickey Mouse! Clowns!
Things Outside their Control: (excited dogs, thunder)…When they start to get independence (walking), they go a little distance away & then return. They need sense of predictability and control.
WHAT TO DO: play peek-a-boo. Practice leaving for short periods, start with people they’re familiar with. Always say goodbye—don’t make a quick dash when they’re distracted (they’ll be shocked to find you’re gone & hurts trust). Have a kiss & go routine.
PRESCHOOL (age 3-4)
Lightning, loud noises, going to doctor (getting shots)–Aware of their lack of control in the world
new things, things that aren’t like they usually are: (grandpa grows a beard or shaves it off)…. Familiarity is a friend.
Scary noises (Halloween costumes, ….anything that feeds the imagination), monsters under the bed, burglars.
Having trouble telling difference between real and not real. Things they see on TV might show up in dreams, imaginations… might become afraid of being alone, afraid of the dark.
Afraid of DARK: watch what they view/read; nightlights, bedtime routines, look around from their perspective (shadows, open closet doors, etc.), plenty of physical activity during the day.
**[“angel wings”, PRAYER, “the scary evil behind the attic door”]…. Kevin McAllister in Home Alone—when he realizes the furnace in the basement is not a monster.
Reinforce positive behavior with sticker charts, etc.
AGES 5-6
Separation—starting to see outside themselves and realizing bad things can happen to people they love. Avoiding school/friends’ houses
Ghosts, monsters, etc…imaginations again
Things that COULD happen (getting sick, getting lost, separation of parents)
Bad dreams can feel real and can peak at this age.
AGES 7-11
Being home alone –still learning to trust the world
Something happening to pets, people –more of an understanding of death
Being rejected/not liked by peers—increasing dependence on friendships
ADOLESCENTS (12+)
What their peers think of them—entering independence
Themselves or someone else being sick, hurt, etc.
Performance—how they’re doing at school, exams, failure, future, success
World Events (war, terrorism, natural disasters)… increasingly tuned into media
FOMO and Rejection—lack/loss of connection
WHAT TO DO FOR KIDS/ADOLESCENTS:
Give them information. Explain how they can’t fit down the bathtub drain.
Meet them where they are. Some kids are more eager to try new things than others.
Play—it’s a life rehearsal. If your child is scared of something, introduce it during play. Then, they’re in charge of whatever scares them. Have a “monster” as a special pet, etc.
Don’t overreact. (Don’t freak out). Acknowledge the fear, but don’t rush to scoop them up—this sends the message they were probably right about it being scary. Get down on their level & talk to them. Give it words. That balloon scared you when it popped, didn’t it?
Don’t avoid. If you always avoid the feared thing, it keeps feeding the fear. It says that avoidance is the only way to feel safe. Takes away their chance to learn they’re resilient & able to cope. A little discomfort is ok.
Introduce the fear gently. Go see puppies at the pet store behind glass at first instead of approaching your friend’s exuberant slobbering Great Dane.
Don’t overdo the reassurance. Reassure, remind them they can do it/face it/you believe in them.
Know what they’re seeing on TV or reading about. Talk thru the shows with them.
They’re watching YOU. If YOU’RE afraid of germs, dogs, storms, etc….guess what? If you can influence their fear, you can influence their courage. We SHOULD teach them to be cautious of some things: fires, busy streets, posers on the internet…
Acknowledge/praise when they’re brave.
DON’T tease or FORCE confrontation.
***(Help them to adopt an EVEN IF mindset instead of a WHAT IF outlook. Helps to not catastrophize, refocus on positive and security.) Will this mean anything to you 5 months from now, 5 years?
All about learning SELF REGULATION
The ability to process & manage our own emotions/behaviors in a healthy way. Building this takes some time, practice, and space—so mom & dad have to get comfortable with letting kids be a little Uncomfortable as they figure things out.
DON’T FEAR FEARS
There’s something called PHOBOPHOBIA—the fear of anxiety/fear itself. When we fear risk/uncertainty/anxiety in ourselves or our kids, OUR WORLD SHRINKS.
The Brownstone Institute had a great article entitled, The High Costs of the Appearance of Safety, and it quoted Sociologist Frank Furedi’s book, How Fear Works. This was a great description of what is happening in our culture…
Although risk is historically defined as exposure to the probability of loss, harm or some kind of misfortune, through its current expanded usage it has been reinterpreted as the possibility of such adversity. The shift in meaning from probability to possibility has led to a fundamental revision in the conceptualization of risk.
The author, Steve Templeton, goes on to say: “In other words, the importance of the mere possibility that something bad might happen has replaced the consideration of the probability it might happen. Thus, if the probability of something bad happening is very low, it doesn’t help to point that out, because it is still possible, and you will be considered irresponsible if you do not display the socially acceptable behaviors that will (in others’ minds) mitigate the already low risk to zero (which is, in most cases, still not possible).” https://brownstone.org/articles/the-high-costs-of-the-appearance-of-safety/
Anxiety/Fear is UNCOMFORTABLE but not DANGEROUS. Some is ok/helpful. For you to give a good, lively speech, a little adrenaline is good. High levels don’t immediately cause a heart attack. Even a panic attack doesn’t equal dying, although it might FEEL that way.
When we see fear as signaling a challenge, OUR WORLD EXPANDS. We try new things, surprise ourselves with competence and learn that failing is okay.
¼ Americans will have an anxiety disorder at some point. If we can work on this in little concrete ways with our kids, it sets them up for getting through these minefields easier.
We don’t want to send the message to our kids that “the world is dangerous and we are vulnerable and fragile” !!!
What are some things you can say instead of “be careful!” ?? (Be careful doesn’t communicate much to a kid except anxiety. Just like “hurry up” doesn’t communicate the specific speed you want them to go.)
- Are you aware of the edge/corner/shelf behind you?
- Take your time.
- What is your next move?
- Do you hear/see that?
- Does that chair/bench/branch feel stable?
- Do you feel stable?
- Going down with your feet first will help.
Steve Green had an album called Hide Em In Your Heart that was popular when we were raising our kids that put Scripture to music. We used to sing his version of Psalm 56:3-4 with our kids. It was really kind of a mantra, a repetitious melody that helped calm you down.
When I am afraid, I will trust in you,
I will trust in you,
I will trust in you.
When I am afraid, I will trust in you,
In God whose word I praise.
This is really just telling yourself the truth, over and over again. It’s really helpful! And remember, 1 John 4:18 PERFECT LOVE CASTS OUT FEAR.