One thing I never thought much about before becoming a parent was the way my child’s emotions would affect me. Every person on earth has emotions—adults and kids alike—but I never really considered having to help my kids understand and control theirs. I’m not a therapist or expert in child development, but you almost have to become both on the fly as a parent!
From the time we bring the newborn home, we’re met with emotions—crying, (so much crying!), tantrums, whining, frustration, giggles, hurt/pain, embarrassment, jealousy, silliness, ….. some are pleasant, some are not. Some are triggering to US as parents. Part of the process of helping our kids navigate emotions is figuring some of our own stuff out.
Today—due to a listener suggestion– we’re going to focus on ANGER in particular.
The Bible has a lot to say about anger.
Ps 37:8: Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret—it leads only to evil.
Prov 14:29 Whoever is slow to anger has great understanding, but he who has a hasty temper exalts folly.
Prov 15:1 A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
Prov 15:18 A hot-tempered man stirs up strife, but he who is slow to anger quiets contention.
Prov 22:24-25 Do not make friends with a hot-tempered person, do not associate with one easily angered, or you may learn their ways and get yourself ensnared.
Anger can be such a loaded emotion in both adults and kids & it’s worth giving some time to the topic. When we’re talking about anger, we can mean anything from mild irritation/annoyance to full blown fury/rage. (In THIS podcast, we’re NOT talking about activist anger—the kind of righteous anger against injustice that can be a catalyst for change…that can actually be helpful. We’re talking about the sort of anger that derails us or our kids, that just “shows up” when we “snap” or “lose it”, that’s not particularly helpful and is mostly hurtful.)
I think we know certain people have a propensity for this. Anger’s their default. This predisposition for anger/aggression can actually be hereditary. BUT—as with everything—we don’t have to stay “the way we’re wired.” Our brain is malleable and our behaviors can change. That’s the good news. (& especially so when we don’t try to power through with sheer force of will, when we have God to call on and help us develop patience, gentleness,…)
In her article, Why Anger is Bad for YOu, neurophysiologist Nerina Ramlakam says, “Now we separate people into those who hold rage in and those who express it out.”
Brene Brown’s got a great new book out called Atlas of the Heart, that’s about emotions & reactions to them. In the chapter on ANGER, she mentions that research tells us anger is what we feel when something blocks a desired outcome or when we think there’s a violation of the way things should be. Someone else is to blame, and something can be done to fix that.
It’s an ACTION emotion, she says. A full-contact emotion that activates our nervous system & can hijack our thoughts/behaviors. It can take a real toll on physical and mental health.
In it’s uncorrupted origin, Tim Keller says, “anger is actually a form of love.” Anger is love in motion to deal with a threat to someone or something we truly care about.
**If we hold on to it, it can make us exhausted & sick. It can take away our joy and spirit.
In an article from Everyday Health
An angry outburst puts your heart at great risk. Most physically damaging is anger’s effect on your cardiac health. “In the two hours after an angry outburst, the chance of having a heart attack doubles,” says Chris Aiken, MD, an instructor in clinical psychiatry at the Wake Forest University School of Medicine and director of the Mood Treatment Center in Winston-Salem, North Carolina.
“Repressed anger — where you express it indirectly or go to great lengths to control it, is associated with heart disease,” says Dr. Aiken. In fact, one study found that people with anger proneness as a personality trait were at twice the risk of coronary disease than their less angry peers.
To protect your ticker, identify and address your feelings before you lose control. “Constructive anger — the kind where you speak up directly to the person you are angry with and deal with the frustration in a problem-solving manner — is not associated with heart disease,” and is actually a very normal, healthy emotion, says Aiken.
Anger ups your stroke risk. If you’re prone to lashing out, beware. One study found there was a three times higher risk of having a stroke from a blood clot to the brain or bleeding within the brain during the two hours after an angry outburst.
It weakens your immune system. If you’re mad all the time, you just might find yourself feeling sick more often. In one study, Harvard University scientists found that in healthy people, simply recalling an angry experience from their past caused a six-hour dip in levels of the antibody immunoglobulin A, the cells’ first line of defense against infection.
Anger problems can make your anxiety worse. If you’re a worrier, it’s important to note that anxiety and anger can go hand-in-hand. In a 2012 study published in the journal Cognitive Behavior Therapy, researchers found that anger can exacerbate symptoms of generalized anxiety disorder (GAD), a condition characterized by an excessive and uncontrollable worry that interferes with a person’s daily life. Not only were higher levels of anger found in people with GAD, but hostility — along with internalized, unexpressed anger in particular — contributed greatly to the severity of GAD symptoms.
5. Anger is also linked to depression. Numerous studies have linked depression with aggression and angry outbursts, especially in men. “In depression, passive anger — where you ruminate about it but never take action — is common,” says Aiken. His No. 1 piece of advice for someone struggling with depression mixed with anger is to get busy and stop thinking so much.
Hostility can hurt your lungs. Not a smoker? You still could be hurting your lungs if you’re a perpetually angry, hostile person. A group of Harvard University scientists studied 670 men over eight years using a hostility scale scoring method to measure anger levels and assessed any changes in the men’s lung function. The men with the highest hostility ratings had significantly worse lung capacity, which increased their risk of respiratory problems.
https://www.everydayhealth.com/news/ways-anger-ruining-your-health/
Not to mention damaging relationships & social connections. (Planes, Trains and Automobiles scene with Steve Martin accosting the lady at the car rental counter….most of it had to be bleeped out bc 18 f-bombs in 1 minute. We all can relate to moments of what he was feeling there (which is why it’s terrible AND funny)…but we also all know it wasn’t the best example of how to treat another person.)
In Deuteronomy 32, we see Moses come down from the mountain where God had just given him the 10 commandments: He comes down to find them “running wild” and he was ANGRY. Moses “…approached the camp and saw the calf and the dancing, his anger burned and he threw the tablets out of his hands, breaking them to pieces at the foot of the mountain. 20 And he took the calf the people had made and burned it in the fire; then he ground it to powder, scattered it on the water and made the Israelites drink it.”
Moses convinces God not to send them to the promised land all alone. And then he asks God to show him His glory. Interestingly, God agrees and gives Moses a logical consequence: you get to chisel the next two stone tablets yourself! And then God comes down in a cloud on top of the mountain where Moses is and says this is His name: “The Lord, the Lord, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness, 7 maintaining love to thousands, and forgiving wickedness, rebellion and sin.”
Anger isn’t wrong or bad. God gets angry. And because we are made in His image, we can expect that we, too, will get angry. The problem is that we so often mishandle our anger or it’s misplaced to begin with.
There ARE no “bad emotions.” Emotions are just indicators, like the lights on our car dashboard. When the lights come on, we don’t categorize it—the oil light is BAD but the low tire pressure light is GOOD. It’s just letting us know something is going on. When we look at our emotions more objectively like this, I think it helps us not to overreact when our kids have them. They’re not personally aimed against us, altho it may feel that way sometimes. (if it feels that way, those are your OWN issues you may need to deal with. You’re the grown-up.)
Angry kids aren’t bad! An angry child is just trying to cope and survive they best they know how at the moment. ANGER IS SURVIVAL.
But here’s the deal, we need to teach our kids HOW to be angry. Ecclesiastes 7:9 says that “anger lodges in the heart of fools.” and Proverbs 29:22 notes that “a hot tempered person commits many sins.” So what do we do? We have to hold a tension with this dynamite of an emotions. We have to learn and teach our kids that having NO anger isn’t reflecting the image of God and having BLOWING UP anger also isn’t reflecting the image of God. Being SLOW to anger reflects the image of God.
Anger, more than any other emotion is a MASK. More than 90% of the time, if you’re dealing with a child’s angry outburst, there’s something OTHER THAN anger that’s REALLY going on. Anger’s just the quickest, easiest expression in the emotional bag.
Our job as parents is to peel back the onion, & better yet—to help our child do this for him or herself along the way. Get curious. What are they really struggling with?
Augustine calls the wizard behind the curtain of anger “disordered affections.” What he’s talking about is the age-old problem of taking good things and making them ultimate things. It’s the slippery slope of really loving your child to thinking that our lives aren’t worth living if they don’t fulfill us or represent us well or love us back. It’s a shift that turns blessings into idols. So next you’re angry, mom or dad, ask yourself why? Is it something God would be angry about or not?
To quote Tim Keller again, “If what you’re really looking to for your significance and security is people’s approval or a good reputation or status or something like that, then when anything gets between you and the thing you have to have, you become implacably angry. You have to have it. You’re over the top. You can’t shrug it off.”
If we find ourselves angry about getting snubbed on social media, or being cut off in traffic, or going unrecognized at work, or having an idea shut down, or feeling underappreciated by our spouse – the problem might be that we love ourselves too much.
POSSIBLE REASONS YOUR CHILD IS ANGRY
Developmental growth spurt. While it may be obvious by their appetite or shorter pants that your kid is having a physical growth spurt, we often don’t consider that they have EMOTIONAL growth spurts as well. (think puberty!) Certain ages/stages come with huge brain renovations…toddlerhood, late childhood, adolescence. These ages have impeded ability for self-regulation.
Anxiety. With kids, anxiety look a lot like anger. If your brain is anxious, you are under siege & are in fight-or-flight mode. You can get angry more frequently and more quickly. Where can you provide security/safety?
Loss of Control. Think of a kid’s life. Busy schedules, long hours at school, a lot of following other people’s directions. When they don’t have enough down time or free play or time outdoors, anger can be an expression of powerlessness.
Feeling Disconnected. Anger can be a quick catalyst to communicate an unmet need. It may be an attempt (misguided) to be seen & heard.
Big life changes/transitions/trauma. For a little kid, routine changes can create big disruptions. When their emotion center is highly activated, they’re less likely to access their “thinking brain” and can be quick to anger.
Emotional/behavioral challenges. Processing. Almost always these are observable from very young ages and remain consistent thru childhood. ADHD, sensory processing, autism all effect emotional regulation challenges.
Temperament. Some kids are inherently less flexible. These kids will have to work harder to manage big emotions since they’ll feel them more frequently and intensely.
Modeled. The behaviors we as parents model are powerful teachers. If parents are commonly angry and behave so, children likely will do the same.
Physical. Not enough sleep, low blood sugar, ….context, context!
There are something like 87 emotions we as humans can feel. Over 25% of them are likely to present as anger or with anger!! That’s what we mean when we say anger is a MASK. You may be showing anger but FEELING fear, shame, hurt, stress, humiliation, loneliness, frustration…. You have to pinpoint and KNOW what’s really happening to help it.
What Can You as Parent DO?
**When your child is having an angry outburst, take a beat and think through these causes. Let them know THEY can be in charge of their emotions. That’s great language b/c kids are always up for more things they can be in charge of. Tell them Anger doesn’t get to be in charge of THEM.
**Don’t shame. Remember, anger’s just an indicator light. Your angry child isn’t bad for being angry. Phrases like “don’t take it so personally,” or “don’t get hysterical” or “why so hostile?” send the message that it’s not ok to feel what they’re feeling. The FEELING is ok, it’s the WAY they may be expressing it that may need some work. (especially true with teens )
**Give them vocabulary. This may be true for any age where their brain is “under construction.” But for young kids who may not yet have actual vocabulary, it’s good to help them dig deeper. “I can see you’re feeling frustrated,” (when skills don’t match expectations), for example. “I know it’s not fair that grandpa died,” (processing grief). Refer to mood chart/pictures. If they don’t have the words, they may recognize the emotion in the expressions. Don’t just say “you need to calm down.” How does this work when YOU’RE mad?
**Body language. Anger is a very “clenchy” emotion. We ball our fists, screw up our faces, cross our arms. See if you can relax your child’s body language to change the emotional vibe so you can talk about it. Open hands. Arms spread wide. Release the “angries.”
**Role Play. in times when they’re NOT angry, go back thru or role-play situations where they typically show anger. Role play how they could react instead. Give them things to say.
**Avoid Reinforcing Outbursts. If YOU as a parent are prone to anger, it’s VERY likely your child’s anger will trigger a similar response from you, creating a cycle. It’s critical your tone and volume remain LOW and MEASURED. If you can’t manage this, take a step away and give yourself a time out. You want to model best practices. BREATHE. COUNT TO TEN. There’s a “foyer space” before every reaction. Go there.
The above resource lists about 75 concrete things you can do with your child to help him/her manage their emotions.
Top of the list is BREATHE. Breathing exercises are the quickest way to decrease the body’s stress response.
Squeeze something
Yell your anger into a pillow/blanket (egg throwing e.g.)
Push your palms together; hold, then release & repeat.
Go for a walk/outside
Pray
“watch the emotions go by”….see if you can name them. There’s anger. What else is in there?
**Your child shouldn’t hold you or the rest of the household hostage with their anger! While feeling angry isn’t BAD, it does have an effect on others/relationships. They can feel angry (& give themselves space to release that anger) but they can do it in their room or outside. It’s not ok to scream at other people, say “I hate you!”, destroy property, etc. If any of those behaviors happen in the middle of an angry outburst, parents need to walk their child through asking for forgiveness & admitting their actions were wrong, and restoring the relationships. (to recognize hurt/collateral damage).
As always, when you catch your child having self control, PRAISE that. Mention it in their presence when telling someone else (dad)…. Today, Aiden was really frustrated when his Legos wouldn’t fit together the way he wanted, but instead of yelling or throwing them, he asked for help/took a deep breath & tried again/….
After age 5, we start to see kids have more emotional regulation skills. But this isn’t necessarily something they’ll pick up on their own. As parents, we should definitely be on top of it, helping them with these skills like any other skill.
If you leave it alone, ignore it, or just hope it’ll resolve on its own, it likely won’t….because this one can be a lifelong struggle.
Some good children’s books as resources:
I Was So Mad—Mercer Meyer (Little Critter series)
LLama, Llama Mad At Mama
I Choose to Calm My Anger –Elizabeth Estrada
I Am Stronger Than My Anger – Elizabeth Cole
When I Feel Angry– Cornelia Spelman
A Volcano in my Tummy – (good reference for parents/caregivers)
Remember, anger is a common passionate emotion for the young. Paul writes to Timothy, his son in the faith, “So flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart.” 2 Tim 2:22
By God’s grace and our obedience, we can help our kids do just that.