We’ve reached the end of another year. How’s your marriage doing? Have you given it any thought? Are you coasting along? Running off the road a little?
We’re not marriage EXPERTS—just as we aren’t parenting “experts”—but we’ve each spent 30 years being married, so we thought we’d share some pro tips from the marriage vault. We all need a tune-up or reminders now & then!
I hope we’re all doing SOME of the things on our list already, but maybe you’ll hear one or two that makes you commit to being more deliberate in a new area. Your spouse will 100% appreciate it & high chance they’ll respond in kind.
Before you know if something is working, you need to know what it’s for. (T.S. Eliot) said this in his essay (or book?) on the Aims of Education. But it’s true in marriage as well. Marriage, according to Scripture, is for a male and a female image-bearer of God to commit to one another for life, to fill the earth with children and subdue it, to exercise dominion over it. That’s a fancy way of saying make it beautiful and ordered. Later in Scripture we see Paul telling the Ephesians that marriage is a picture of Jesus and the church. So when we give our marriages attention, when we love each other well, then we help the world see who Jesus is and who we are as his people called to follow him.
- BE PROUD OF YOUR SPOUSE. & say so. This isn’t bragging. This is honoring/treasuring. Whenever possible, talk about your spouse proudly in public, whether in or out of their hearing. (Words have power: saying things out loud into the universe fosters belief systems. If you’re griping/complaining/contemptuous of your spouse with others, that’s likely how you’ll feel/treat them when you’re one on one. The opposite is also true.)
- FLIRT. Remember when you first met? This wasn’t even something that had to be on your radar—you just did it. All their jokes were funny. All their ideas were brilliant. You couldn’t wait to see them/talk to them/spend time with them. The more you flirt, the more you can hearken back to that season. Send a flirty text (wink, wink). Pat them on the butt. Appreciate them stepping out of the shower! Tell them they smell good, look good. Watch them walk to their car & text that you enjoyed the view. Kiss goodbye in the morning…and linger.
- CHECK IN. A lot of times I think we lapse into being what I call “married singles.” He’s doing his thing, I’m doing mine. We share a calendar & the electric bill, but my girlfriends may know more about what’s REALLY going on in my life/heart than he does. AT LEAST weekly—but aim for daily—check in. Before you turn on the TV at the end of the day, sit next to each other and talk about more than the schedule or the kids. How are you DOING. What can I pray about? (beware this sort of “checking in” with friends of opposite sex…this is a kind of intimacy.)
- BEWARE PHUBBING. Phubbing is like “snubbing” but it’s related to the phone. Every day, your spouse tosses out bids for attention. Asks a question, glances at you, makes a comment….. Each time you ignore or don’t even register these attention bids, it’s a NEGATIVE in your column. Whatever is on your phone is NEVER more important than the person you committed your life to. NEVER. Be alert to bids for attention!!!
- TIME. Some people have quality time as their love language—which is how love is best communicated to them. But we ALL need to spend time with our spouses. Time is finite, people. On the far side of 30 years, you start realizing it doesn’t just stretch endlessly into the beyond. TAKE the TIME you have and give some to your spouse. Take an evening, a weekend. Go to lunch or coffee. Take a walk.
- ENCOURAGE. Or to say it another way—notice! This is another love language some people crave more than others, but who doesn’t need encouragement? No guy on the planet would say yeah, I’d rather my wife not praise or compliment me…it’s such a drag. Is your spouse trying something new/branching out? Are they facing something tough at work? Did they tackle something with the kids or take something off your plate? SAY SO, POSITIVELY. (with no back-handed compliments)
- SET A GOAL. Find something you both want to do together—inward & outward-focused. This will help in some of the other areas—checking in, time. Inward is something you might want to do together: Do you want to learn scuba? Travel to Fiji? Remodel the kitchen? Run a 5K? Outward is something you both can focus on to serve others: teach a class? Volunteer in some way? Mentoring or fostering a younger person?
- WORSHIP TOGETHER. Sit together. (great to volunteer but try not to always be apart during church.) Talk about what you experienced. Hold hands during prayers. Make the spiritual investment. Join a small group or host one. Read a passage of scripture each morning or evening. Text a verse of encouragement to your spouse during the day or a short prayer for them. Make God a vital, active part of your relationship. (part of check in—did you see God today? Etc.)
- WHAT CAN I DO TO HELP? Make this phrase something you say daily. Teach your spouse to ask it, too. Sometimes this offer is all moms crave. Instead of jumping in and assuming you know what they want/need, just ask. Maybe it wasn’t what you thought they needed—maybe they just want to be heard/seen. Either way, it communicates that you’re on their side. You’re in it together & they’re not facing anything alone—whether it’s something at work or washing the dishes.
- FOOL AROUND. When we think of sex, we think of pleasure, but married sex has a lot more power than that. It RECONNECTS. This goes back to number 3—don’t just be married singles or roommates. Marriage—like no other relationship—grants you this “turbo boost” to cement your relationship. If you can’t say yes (tired, etc), say how about tomorrow & then make that date! Initiate. (one person shouldn’t always be the one begging; person with lower drive should also initiate now & then.) Variety is the spice of life. Every night can’t be tacos.
This is such an honor to live out! We are special creations of and by God, and we’re given the institution of marriage to allow us to fulfill our purpose of filling and forming and showing God’s rule across the face of the earth, to spread the Garden out over the entire earth. I mean, it’s a beautiful, huge vision of what it means to be human and what it means to be married. Let’s steward it well!