To give completely. Without reservation. That’s the original root of the word forgive. Why is this so hard for some of us?
Perhaps it’s fairly easy to let the minor things go—he ate the last slice of cherry pie, she forgot to pick up the dry cleaning—but when it comes to the hard stuff, the big stuff, we’re more reluctant to “give that over completely”. We tend to want to hold on to those for a while.
Amish community of Lancaster, PA, Oct 2006. In a one-room school house, ten girls (ages 6-13) were shot; 5 were killed. That SAME EVENING members of the community went to the family of the shooter to tell them they’d forgive. Grace walked in the door. The Amish are used to practicing sacrifice in so many areas of their life as a matter of course. It’s their way of life. Forgiveness is not easy for them (as it is not for us) but, for them, it’s not impossible.
In parenting, is teaching forgiveness really that important on the long list of life skills and behaviors that we as moms are trying to instill in our kids?
And how do we do it? Is it just a matter of politeness, in a category of manners words like please, thank you, and excuse me? What do you say to grandma for the birthday gift? Tell your brother you’re sorry.
Teaching forgiveness and how to apologize is more than just manners. It’s relationship glue. It’s actually a spiritual exercise that models big concepts—grace, humility, and sacrifice.
Think about the folks you know. Which ones do you prefer to be around more? Those who are gracious & humble or those who are angry & grudge-holding? Which kind of people do we want our kids to be? Which do we want to be ourselves?
Think back to your own childhood. Did your parents ever apologize to you? Did they ever ask your forgiveness for anything? Most of us would likely answer ‘No’ to that question. (partly a generational thing?) Imagine how it might’ve changed your relationship if they had.
I think as parents we may often imagine that asking our children for forgiveness or apologizing to them for mistakes we make will somehow create a power shift and cause our kids to hold us hostage. BUT is that how YOU would’ve felt as a child/young adult had your parents granted YOU an apology or asked for forgiveness? (like you’d suddenly stormed the castle & staged a coup?)
WHY is forgiveness/apologizing important?
- Unforgiveness is bad for your health. John’s Hopkins website: Studies have found that the act of forgiveness can reap huge rewards for your health, lowering the risk of heart attack; improving cholesterol levels and sleep; and reducing pain, blood pressure, and levels of anxiety, depression and stress. And research points to an increase in the forgiveness-health connection as you age.
“There is an enormous physical burden to being hurt and disappointed,” says Karen Swartz, M.D., director of the Mood Disorders Adult Consultation Clinic at The Johns Hopkins Hospital.
- Chronic anger puts you into a fight-or-flight mode, which results in numerous changes in heart rate, blood pressure and immune response. Those changes, then, increase the risk of depression, heart disease and diabetes, among other conditions. Forgiveness, however, calms stress levels, leading to improved health.
- “Forgiveness is not just about saying the words. “It is an active process in which you make a conscious decision to let go of negative feelings whether the person deserves it or not,” Swartz says. As you release the anger, resentment and hostility, you begin to feel empathy, compassion and sometimes even affection for the person who wronged you.
- “Studies have found that some people are just naturally more forgiving. Consequently, they tend to be more satisfied with their lives and to have less depression, anxiety, stress, anger and hostility. People who hang on to grudges, however, are more likely to experience severe depression and post-traumatic stress disorder, as well as other health conditions. But that doesn’t mean that they can’t train themselves to act in healthier ways. In fact, 62 percent of American adults say they need more forgiveness in their personal lives, according to a survey by the nonprofit Fetzer Institute. https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/wellness-and-prevention/forgiveness-your-health-depends-on-it
- We are mirroring God’s example to US. Eph 4:32 Forgive one another as your Father has forgiven you.
- In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus said forgiving others was tied to our forgiveness. For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15 But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.
- Why is that? John Piper: The way I would put it is like this: If the forgiveness that we received at the cost of the blood of the Son of God, Jesus Christ, is so ineffective in our hearts that we are bent on holding unforgiving grudges and bitterness against someone, we are not a good tree. We are not saved. We don’t cherish this forgiveness. We don’t trust in this forgiveness. We don’t embrace and treasure this forgiveness. We are hypocrites.
“That is exactly the point of Matthew 18 with the parable of the unforgiving servant — which is like a parabolic form of Matthew 6:15 — where the servant owes the king a billion dollars; it is just off the charts what he owes. And he gets forgiven freely. But then he goes out and he feels it so little; it means so little to him that he strangles his fellow servant for ten dollars. And when the king hears about it, he sends him to jail. And Jesus concludes that parable like this: “So also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother from your heart (Matthew 18:35). Struggling to forgive is not what destroys us. As long as we are in the flesh, we will do our good deeds imperfectly, including forgiving and loving others. Jesus died to cover those imperfections. What destroys us is the settled position that we are not going to
- forgive, and we have no intention to forgive, and we intend to cherish the grudge and fondle the wrong that someone did to me and feel the bitterness. It feels good. I like to go to bed with my wrath at night because he legitimately wronged me. I am going to hold this against him the rest of his life. If we think we can be indwelt by the Spirit of Christ and not make war on that attitude, we are deluded.”
- It’s a critical litmus test for the state of our (or our child’s) heart. If we can walk our kids through what true forgiveness/repentance looks like, and they learn to be quick to ask for and quick to grant forgiveness, we’re halfway down the road to a Christ-like posture.
- Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and hoping the other person will die. It for our child’s health that we teach them to forgive.
- This concept is what mends relationships more than any other.
- Forgiveness is the critical step to changing heart/behavior and it’s one parents often leave out
What does it look like to apologize?
Start with what it is NOT. (We’ve likely all been on the receiving end of statements like these…)
- I’m sorry you felt that way….
- I’m sorry you think that….
- I’m sorry that’s your opinion…
Those are the “sorry/not sorry” apologies and we all know it. A sarcastic way of acknowledging someone might not like what you’re saying or doing…but you really don’t care. And sometimes we come right out and say it like that—sorry/notsorry. Why even bother?
Being sorry (regretful) over something means that you have considered the issue, you REGRET hurting the relationship, and you intend to do better next time.
The classic “tell” for true repentance in our kids is if they get through an apology to a sibling or to you and then go RIGHT BACK to doing that same behavior 5 minutes later. CLEARLY their regret wasn’t enough to actually make a difference or change their heart.
What does an apology look like? (talk thru each of these elements)
- I’m sorry
- Will you forgive me
- I was wrong for…..
- What can I do to make it right?
- Restore relationship
(this may take awhile for them to process & work thru; it’s ok to check back in with them to encourage progress. There are TWO sides to the forgiveness coin—asking for AND GRANTING forgiveness. Holding grudges is not helpful for either party. You are also reminding that they should think about God forgiving them & how immediate that is.)
Modeling this in our marriage goes a long way to teaching our kids. (more is caught than taught).
“We never fight in front of the kids.” Whether this is the vibe in your house or not, it can actually be helpful for kids to observe conflict resolution. There are ways to “fight fair,” if you find yourself in an argument (no swearing, no name-calling, beware using triggers like always or never).
A lot of times, we DO end up disagreeing or even flat out arguing in front of our kids. Time passes, maybe bedtime rolls around, and mom & dad work it out later—and often THAT’S the part the kids never get to see. Even if you have to stage it, repeat the forgiving/apologizing part the next morning so your kids can witness what THAT part looks like rather than only seeing the tension – and then magically mom & dad seem ok again.
If you’re not used to do apologizing/asking forgiveness in your marriage, or if you’re the one determined to “wait him out” so he’s forced to come crawling back in a desperate move to just restore the peace, you’re missing out. Again…it’s this misconception that if I apologize and show humility, it’ll be lorded over me or somehow used against me. IT ACTUALLY WORKS JUST THE OPPOSITE.
There’s no one better than our kids to prove the way this works. I can’t think of even ONE time my kids have refused to forgive me. Toddler or teen. Kids are eager to forgive, usually very quick to want to sweetly restore that important relationship with you.
(This isn’t always true of their sibling relationships…. Sometimes it might take a bit while they cool off before they’re ready to reconcile)
As always—it depends on the kid! Some temperaments are quick to forgive b/c they dislike conflict and want to be liked. For this child, just be sure they’ve worked through all the steps so they’re not skipping over what they actually did wrong to jump to being best friends again.
With other kids, this may be a struggle for YEARS. It might take HOURS (yes, I said hours) to let a child sit and think about an issue, working them through what was done and what is at stake, before they can choke out an apology or say the words “I was wrong.” But if you skip this with them, if you let it go, it will follow them into all their important relationships in life.
“…a theology of forgiveness should permeate the home. Children should know the story of Adam’s failure and the greater story of God stepping into human history and choosing to forgive and redeem. Children should be firmly rooted in the assurance that the blood of Christ covers all sin — including any and all violations against them by their parents, siblings, school or team mates, neighbors or anyone else.” Focus on the Family.
This is not just a practice for inside the family. We required it of our kids when issues arose at school (teachers, friends), church, or with grandparents. Be prepared for others to react with uncertainty or for
them to “brush it off”: oh, that’s ok. It’s fine. Emphasize to recipient what you’re trying to teach; with some teachers (when kids were little), we emailed them ahead of time & asked them not to respond lightly. They were always appreciative and these few moments SURELY made an impact on our kids!
You might get the question from your child:
Why should I say I’m sorry if I don’t think I did anything wrong? Perception = reality. We are here to care about others. It’s our only job, really. If someone feels hurt by you, it should matter to you b/c you care about them as a person created by God.
If someone was hurt/disturbed/shocked by your behavior, then you’ve created a fracture in that relationship. IT’S ALL ABOUT RELATIONSHIP.
What if someone never asks for your forgiveness or says they’re sorry? Do you have to extend it to them? (person has died; you’ll never see them again)
—Kim Phuc (forgiveness for a lifetime of pain) was HER saving act for herself
Although you probably do not recognize Kim by name, you have more than likely seen her photograph. Around the world, Kim is known as “the girl in the picture.” That picture is an image of a young, naked girl, running and screaming in horror after being burned by napalm during the Vietnam War.
Kim was not expected to live after the attack. When her parents found her three days later, she had been left to die in the “death room” of a local hospital. But Kim did not die. She was transferred to a larger hospital in Saigon where she remained for 14 months and endured 17 surgeries. She describes the napalm burn as “the most terrible pain you can imagine.” In additional to the physical pain and emotional trauma, the Vietnamese government turned Kim into a war symbol. Vietnam is a Communist-controlled country, and Kim was not free to make her own decisions. Kim was watched 24 hours a day. Officers would pick her up at school and force her to do media interviews.
The attack and subsequent photo changed Kim’s life forever, but it did not destroy her spirit. Today, Kim boldly states, “Terrible things can happen, but if we are lucky, we can learn from our experiences and it can help us to become stronger.”
(Pouring out the cup of black water till it was empty)
Kim’s message to the world is simple but profound: “If that little girl could learn to forgive, everyone else can do it to. If everyone can learn to live with love, hope, and forgiveness, there would be no need for war.”