In the 70’s/80’s (when we grew up), one of the most popular shows on the air was The Brady Bunch, which tackled the socially radical concept of two single parents getting married and creating their blended new family with 6 kids. Later, Cheaper by the Dozen did the same thing in a slightly more modern context.
Truth is, today 16% of all kids have a step parent (11.6 million), and 12% of women (14 million) are step moms. Pew Research Center survey oll from January of 2011 said that more than four-in-ten American adults have at least one step relative in their family – either a stepparent, a step or half sibling or a stepchild. People with step relatives are just as likely as others to say that family is the most important element of their life. However, they typically feel a stronger sense of obligation to their biological family members (be it a parent, a child or a sibling) than to their step relatives, the survey finds.
When asked whether their family life has turned out about as they expected or if it is different than they expected, a 54% majority of those who have at least one step relative say things have turned out differently than they expected. However, different doesn’t necessarily mean worse. Seven-in-ten adults who have at least one step relative say they are very satisfied with their family life.
Our guest on today’s episode is Kyleen Baptiste. She is an author, speaker, and youth/family coach (based in FL?) who has been working with children and families for over 20 years. Kyleen became a stepmom to 3 children when she married her husband, Toby, in 2011. They have a child together who is now 6 years old, and they’re in the process of adopting. Kyleen spent the early years of stepfamily life experiencing the common struggles most stepmoms face and learning how to navigate the unfamiliar journey. She focused on cultivating healthy bonds in her new family and found many of the same strategies from her career as a former child life therapist effective to help her step kids adjust and strengthen her family.
While working as a child life therapist, Kyleen helped develop a bereavement program for children and families who had experienced loss. She was involved in ministries that encompassed closed small groups, Celebrate Recovery and individual counseling services. She helped launch and lead Divorce Care for Kids (DC4K) Ministry and Life Hurts God Heals, a program for children of parents in Celebrate Recovery.
INTRO Kyleen
You were drawn to help children and families before you were married and became a step mom, right? (Do you see God’s grace in that?)
It’s tough raising kids and having a healthy marriage under “normal” circumstances. Being in a blended family situation and becoming a step parent goes an extra mile there. On top of all the regular stuff, there are layers of other things that step moms navigate.
The word BLEND conjures a couple of images. (Renee’s the gourmet here.) You can blend something together by gently folding in ingredients until it’s the right consistency, or you can plug in that Vitamix, punch blend and get something else entirely!
It’s wise, BEFORE marriage, to nail down some BOUNDARIES. Can you talk about that? What sorts of relationship boundaries do step moms have to be aware of? (how to approach & behave with exes, in-laws, extended family, children; how to speak of/about biological parents whether divorced or deceased). In case of divorce with kids, “when you marry your spouse, you essentially marry their ex, too.” True or false?
Exes/bio parents: should bio parents set the rules, enforce the rules, in effect, DO the parenting? What exactly is the step parent ROLE in parenting? There may even be custodial laws coming into play.
Joy Allmond wrote an article entitled How to Love Blended Families in Your Church for The Gospel Coalition in January 2016. She described the stepmother role as follows:
She has all of the hard work associated with the mother role—helping with homework, cooking, carpooling, financial strain—but doesn’t have the “perks,” like love, loyalty, and devotion that come along with being a biological mom.
Can you speak to that? I would think love, loyalty, and devotion would have to be earned, like any healthy relationship.
RESPECT: two ways. Bio parent should require kindness, politeness towards step parent as a minimum. Respect/trust has to be earned. Kids are likely coming from a place of hurt/loss and step mom would be an easy target for all those emotions. What role does respect have in the process of moving to loyalty? What are some ways to help kids cope thru grief/hurt/resentment?
(You see the fairy tale tropes about the evil stepmother—Cinderella, Snow White, Hansel & Gretel, Parent Trap!)—doesn’t help with image/expectations when a stepmom comes into the picture.
What do you recommend for two sets of kids (like the Brady Bunch)? Very likely merging families who’ve used different parenting styles/rules/expectations. Can each set of kids go by different rules or should there be House Rules (all kids make their beds or none do)? Gets messier when you’ve got MULTIPLE step parent relationships if (in a divorce situation) each parent remarries.
Focus on the Family had some good advice for helping tween/teens submit to the authority of their stepparent:
Your stepparent is not your parent. But neither is your track coach, your algebra teacher or your youth leader’s wife, yet you respect them enough to grant them some authority in your life. Apply this same standard to your stepparent and you’ll find it doesn’t have to be a competition of loyalty. Think of your stepparent as just another authority in your life; don’t make it any harder than that. When you respect his or her position as an “adult leader,” everyone will get along a little easier.
Kids are good at quickly detecting expectations depending on their environment (home vs. grandparents’ house!). Are they able to flex between homes?
Struggles: holidays, family celebrations, friendships…
Joy Allmond wrote:
Stepfamilies have unique challenges. Holidays, for example, are often the most stressful times in the life of a stepfamily. For biological parents, this is especially difficult since they are often without their kids. And if the blended family couple doesn’t have other family in their lives, or nearby, these times can prove especially lonely.
How do you combat feelings of being second string? Your spouse’s bond with their kids is likely stronger than their bond with you! Being compared to their mom or rejected as “not my mom”? Having kids blame/punish you.
Loving feelings vs. Love as an action…
What are some ways to build relationship/trust with step children? Their age matters—talk about difference btwn young kids & tweens/teens coming into this relationship. Are there particular bonding hurdles? (Five Winning Strategies to Connect with Your StepChild from blendedfamilyhope.com)
American Psychological Association article from August 2019 titled Making Stepfamilies Work noted age makes a difference in adjusting to a stepfamily:
https://www.apa.org/topics/families/stepfamily
- Recent research suggests that younger adolescents (age 10–14) may have the most difficult time adjusting to a stepfamily.
- Older adolescents (age 15 and older) need less parenting and may have less investment in stepfamily life,
- While younger children (under age 10) are usually more accepting of a new adult in the family, particularly when the adult is a positive influence.
- Young adolescents, who are forming their own identities tend to be a bit more difficult to deal with.
Both boys and girls in stepfamilies have reported that they prefer verbal affection, such as praises or compliments, rather than physical closeness, such as hugs and kisses.
Often extended family members have a hard time seeing/treating step children as YOURS and may only see them as the spouse’s child/children. How do you address this? (see this sometimes in adoption as well).
Although if you look at the numbers, blended families are more and more common, I don’t necessarily see a lot of overt public support for blended families (in churches) or resources for helping navigate what is OBVIOUSLY a challenging web of relationships.
Joy Allmond addressed this in her article:
By getting to know the stepfamilies in your church, you have a window into [their] struggles. And in doing so, the opportunity to minister presents itself. Perhaps there’s a lonely blended family couple in your church without their kids at the holidays who could benefit from an invitation to your home.
Most stepmoms don’t grow up dreaming of marrying into a ready-made family. But this is a choice we make; not only a choice to marry a man with children, but a choice to love children not our own. And these are often the hard choices—those that involve choosing life. Whether it’s the unborn life, an elderly life, an orphan’s life, or a stepchild’s life, the choosers of life make choices to love.
Blendedfamilyhope has some great resources—you do virtual small groups, offer 30 min parent help calls (brilliant!!).
What do step moms want/need from others? What kind of support can we offer?
Just asking! Recognizing their crazy scheduling needs and being able to be flexible and squeeze in some together time when it’s possible for them. Providing small group support in churches!
Great Resource: Preparing to Blend, by Ron Deal
Kyleen’s website Blended Family Hope, offers AMAZING resources & support for step families, with small group zooms for step moms. She connects families who are just a bit further along with families who are just starting to navigate the blended family situation.