In America, we love freedom, options, and choice. We want a certain make/model/color car. We get irritated when the shoes we want only come in taupe and not camel. When it comes time to vote, we sure do want our choice of candidate on the ballot.
In the course of a day, most of us make hundreds of decisions—from the very small (which pair of underwear) to bigger stuff (weighing schools for our kids or independent living options for our parents). As moms, we make decisions not only for ourselves, but for all the littles we’re responsible for and our families as a whole.
Psychology has shown that the piling on of all these decisions results in Decision Fatigue. Judges actually rule more for parole in the mornings (when they’ve made fewer decisions), nurses tend to make less efficient and more expensive clinical decisions they longer they’ve gone w/o a break. Our capacity for making decisions can get worse after making many of them. That’s why they put the “impulse buy” items by the cash register b/c once we’ve chosen, opted, and decided our way thru the grocery store, we’re way more likely to give in to that candy bar on our way out to the parking lot.
So when it comes to KIDS, there’s a lot of stuff out there advocating “give your kids lots of choices” b/c it empowers them and teaches them to make good ones.
They’re right about one aspect: it does empower them. But does it empower them in helpful ways?
**We’ve taught parenting classes for 20 yrs, and one of the concepts we touch on is this one about choices. (This comes from resources you can find at growingfamilies.life. , really fabulous material that we’ve personally seen make positive changes in families. Originally Growing Kids God’s Way, the authors approach parenting from a biblical ethics standpoint, which we have found effective from cradle to young adult.
Consider a Typical Day in your House with Kids:
Breakfast time, getting dressed, watching TV or reading a book, wandering around the house while you get ready or do chores, play time, free time. Snack, errands (what toys they must bring with them, what snacks they demand in the car), getting in/out of car seat, whether they sit up front or ride in basket (or underneath!) the cart….. get home, get ready for lunch and it’s time for a nap and what happens.
Meltdown!!!
What’s this got to do with choices? Wasn’t the mom empowering them with lots of choice? Wasn’t she being thoughtful and kind?
Difference Between MORAL and AMORAL choice
Why does it matter?
CHOICE = POWER, and that much power is way too much for a toddler to handle. They can’t discern between what’s moral and what’s not. They don’t have that knowledge yet. So they dictate and decide all day long about what they eat, wear, do, where they go, etc… and OF COURSE they balk when you “randomly” step in in your mom role and require them to do something that wasn’t in their planned agenda. That’s simply another choice and they choose to refuse.
How can you tell if you’re giving your child too many choices?
Behavior deteriorates. Lots of meltdowns. Everything’s an issue. You have WW3 over her wanting to wear a bathing suit to preschool. Very little self-control. You’re putting out fires all day b/c they’re making constant messes, pulling all the toys* out. (Notice these examples relate to young kids –toddler, preschool and younger elementary. As your child gets older, their MORAL MATURITY improves and they are more capable of handling decisions/choices.)
BREAKFAST TEST
Classic Test we ask parents to try, just for kicks. Breakfast Test. What do you think would happen if you did this with your child? Are you afraid to try?
If you try this – or even if you don’t try it b/c you already know what would happen – and your child melts down, you can be SURE your son or daughter is addicted to choice.
We talk a lot about addiction in our society—social media, technology, porn, food, substances…but we don’t often hear this one mentioned in that list of the usual suspects b/c this is AMERICA. Land of the Free.
Being addicted to choice means that you can’t handle it when you AREN’T GIVEN a choice. You pout, sulk, throw a tantrum, scream, manipulate, negotiate, whine…. Do any of these behaviors sound familiar??
As young adults, these behaviors may look similar but turn into more weighty matters like being married to one person and deciding, nah, I’d rather have that OTHER person. Job hopping and instability (never satisfied), failure to follow through with classes/deadlines at school, or an entire lobby and political sentiment of “Pro-choice.” (because the idea of being “anti-choice” is crazzzy).
So the breakfast test was a disaster? How can parents fix the situation?
- If they’re old enough, tell your kids you goofed & you’re going to set things straight.
- Pull in all the choices. Mom/Dad are going to make the choices for awhile. And DO THAT. On every matter.
- How do you know when to offer them choice again? When they can respond to NOT having one with composure and more of an attitude of “oh well, maybe next time” than a full-out tantrum.
- So, you’ll probably have a rotten week.
- BUT THEN! You will start to see an amazing change in your child’s all-around behavior! Not just when they come to a choice point, but in many other areas. When they realize Mom/Dad are in charge and there are boundaries in place, it gives them great SECURITY. It releases their little psyches from decision fatigue & the resulting lack of self-control/meltdowns it causes.
- Test regularly. Offer choices randomly. Tell them what’s going on. When you can say “ok, mommy” with a happy heart, you’re telling me you’re big enough to make a choice.
- Freedoms are earned, not granted.
- Like everything else, this is difft for each child & you may have difft boundaries for each kid. Your 5 yr old can turn on the TV, but should he? Should your 2 yr old be able to watch as much as the 5 yr old does?
- Open the bumpers and be there to guide them back into appropriate boundaries. (If your child is old/wise enough to make his lunch for school, that’s fine, but when he starts only putting in chips and twinkies, then he loses that freedom and you choose for him again for a time.)
Other Sneaky Ways We Give Too Many Choices
Informing you they’re going outside or upstairs. The way teen talks to you (I’m going to Bethany’s after school.).
You directing your kids to do something that requires an action and tacking on an “ok?”
Asking them “do you want to get in your chair now? Do you want to go get ready for bed?”
One way we see limited choice benefit kids is Toy Rotation! What does your playroom look like?
- Depth & length of playtime is better with 4 toys than 16.
- Fewer toys improves cognitive development
- Kids play in more varied ways
- Too many toys causes distractions
- Kids are happier
Proverbs warns, “Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord, and turn away from evil” (Proverbs 3:7). and again in Proverbs 26:12 “Do you see a person wise in their own eyes? There is more hope for a fool than for them.” Isaiah writes, “Woe to those who are wise in their own eyes, and shrewd in their own sight!” (Isaiah 5:21). and the apostle Paul reiterates this in his letter to the Romans 12:16: Live in harmony with one another. Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly. Never be wise in your own sight.
Anything God says should give us serious pause. How much more when he keeps extending the warning over and over again?
So, we need God to give us a spirit of true wisdom, to teach us how to crucify our pride or in the case of young children, to keep it from growing in the first place.