In-law issues are one of the major areas couples seek counseling for. They can be good-intentioned or downright divisive, but either way—you and your spouse have to navigate the relationship. In-laws have the power to do great things & set a newly married couple up for success, OR they can cause a lot of stress.
Stories from listeners:
When we were on our honeymoon, we gave her a key to move stuff from the wedding to our house. When we saw her after the honeymoon, she gave the key back and we said, “No we want you to have it in case of an emergency.” She said, “That’s ok, I made myself a copy.” Thus began the time period of her moving things in and out of my house that she thought we needed. Once she brought us furniture that we didn’t want or ask for and complained because we weren’t there to help move it in. We did not give her a key to our next house.
My FIL comes over unannounced, asking us to do stuff at bedtime, etc.
I have had my children come back to me with glassed over sugar crazed eyes, and when I asked what they ate at grandmas…”orange juice and pop tarts for every meal”
My MIL pouts like a toddler when she doesn’t get her way. From the way holiday time is scheduled to the way we raised our kids, if it wasn’t centered around her she’d throw a hissy fit and make everyone else miserable until they bent over backwards to cheer her up. I was over it long ago, but it has never changed.
My mother’s MIL was a spoiled brat who was spoiled by her father, then married an older man who spoiled her rotten. My mother would go and visit her in the nursing home when my father wouldn’t. My grandmother would greet her warmly until she realized it was my mother and then she would say things like you get fatter every time I see you. My mother and a special place in heaven for that!
My MIL never oversteps. She never drops by and always tries to respect our boundaries. She never tells our son he can disobey us (with words or actions). She asked me BEFORE getting him a reward if I’d prefer it be a toy/outing/or food.
One time I was working on grad school and my husband was working too many shifts and we were taking kids to therapy and my house was a wreck. I talked to my MIL on the phone and she asked if she could help me and I said yes. She dropped off her ironing at the lady’s house that does her ironing(I found this part out later) because she doesn’t like to iron, then she came to my house and did my laundry and ironed 2 weeks’ worth of clothes. She also helped with kids and supper and I was able to study.
My mother gave her finest example of Christian living in dealing with her mother-in-law.
Her mother-in-law was a spoiled brat who was spoiled by her father, then married an older man who spoiled her rotten.
My mother would go and visit her in the nursing home when my father wouldn’t. My grandmother would greet her warmly until she realized it was my mother and then she would say things like you get fatter every time I see you.
My mother and a special place in heaven for that!
I would say honesty is important. I have a situation where I have close proximity to my in laws plus we hang out a lot. Early on I tried to set strict boundaries, somewhat arbitrary, and I think that mindset often manufactured frustration. Now I have embraced the good that comes from being close and sometimes overly involved, even though I am still sometimes, frustrated by the negative aspects. The cool thing is, we’re close enough now that I can speak my mind setting boundaries as needed and though it may not always be well received we’ve gotten close enough that our relationship can grow from honesty.
It’s also REALLY important to know your spouse has got your back. It’s kind of like parenting. You can disagree with your spouse and agree with your own parents, but wait until you’re in private to express that. If my spouse continually undermined me around his parents, chances are I’d resent them more than him.
I think it’s nice to want a relationship with your in-laws. Not only as necessary, but also just for yourself. When we travel places we typically end up boys car and girls car. Meaning that I often ride with my MIL on our 7 or 12 hour drives to the beach while all the guys ride together. Pre-pandemic, I would go to weekly lunch with MIL and several other ladies, just because.
Likewise, my husband ALWAYS welcomes any of my family to come over or stay without complaint as often as I like. In fact he often suggests I invite them, which makes me feel really good. I’m never made to feel like he’s doing me some favor by allowing my family a visit.
Another important issue…the elders and their wives spoke to young parents as part of a church series. I took to heart the message from one particular couple that grandparents are not there to spoil their grandchildren as society indicates, but instead to support their children in raising grandchildren to be God fearing good little people who will grow to be faithful Christians. It’s so obvious, but this emboldened me to voice this ideal to both sets of parents, separately. With each I had a pleasant conversation for my desire that they consider their role in my children’s lives to be second only to me and their father in the influence they have.
All that being said, we both came from unbroken happy homes. Our upbringings were very similar and it’s easy to make nice with someone who has similar values. It also just so happens that all the matriarchs are kind of pleasers and blue personalities. I feel very fortunate and know I am blessed to have the in law relationships that I do.
I think I’ve said it before but I respect you both so much and appreciate all the support and influence you’ve poured into my life.
Do NOT come (out of state travel) every Christmas and every grandchild’s birthday and stay 10 days in a row each visit
Good- playing with the grandchildren ( really quality playing, crafting, painting, all the messy things), being easy going with holidays and expectations
Bad – teaching same grandchildren all your political views knowing they are opposite of your children’s and not stopping when asked, giving all your grandchildren “secret” first hair cuts without permission because you think it is too long
I have had l “bad” in-laws (1st) and “fantastic” in-laws (2nd) since being married twice. Wow, what a major difference. My 1st in-laws were major controlling and ruined our marriage (and husband did not support me through their control). Do not be controlling as in-laws because it does not work well. 
From professional chef: Don’t. Boil. Asparagus. For. 3. Hours. And. Make. Me. Eat. It.
Draw a ‘circle of decision’ around just you and your spouse (and kids) where you decide up front how you’ll handle opportunities that come. Then, communicate to both sides that those healthy boundaries are in place. This sets the tone for all future in-law interactions.
It’s part of the leave and cleave, or cut the apron strings, aspect of marriage from God’s word.
If we had drawn the circle first, we wouldn’t have had to deal with ‘broken down’ walls later on.
Let me also add: HONEST COMMUNICATION. So many arguments can be avoided if you just tell the truth from a loving heart.
To go back to the beginning, what does scripture say about in-laws? Two marriage principles are mentioned:
- A man shall leave his mother & father and hold fast to his wife and they shall become one flesh. (Gen 2:24). We’ve mentioned before that there were no children at first with Adam & Eve when God declared it “good.” They were a complete family without children. There were ALSO no parents!! They were a complete family without in-laws. (maybe this absence of in-laws is why it was called paradise????) Good in-laws will support & encourage this principle.
Change of allegiance. Marriage relationship is now primary. If there’s a conflict of interest between a man’s wife and his mother, the husband is to stand with his wife. (w/o treating mother unkindly) Mom is no longer the dominant female in his life. This leaving implies financial independence. Do all you can to obtain this. In many cases, money carries opinions & “strings” with it.
- Honor our parents. (Ex 20:12) Show respect, kindness. Does not imply obedience. If your parents don’t live honorable lives, their role still requires a measure of honor from you.
6 areas that may need attention:
- Holidays: talk to your spouse about plans/expectations. Don’t just coast along and hope to fix it later. Distance & geography make a difference. Consider swapping families every other year. When kids come along, lugging their stuff everywhere complicates things & may cause another shift. Siblings & their families add to the juggling with everyone vying for “their fair share” of time. Don’t insist you HAVE to have xmas eve at your parents’ house every time….everything is up for re-negotiation now that a new family has been formed. Be gentle as all THREE families bend to make new traditions.
- Be a Team. You win together & you lose together. It’s not a competition between his parents & yours. Communicate! Clear it with your spouse BEFORE inviting them for dinner or to stay a week. Sometimes your spouse’s objectivity can be enlightening.
- Don’t betray your spouse to your parents/sibs. This goes for confidences, etc. Good in-laws will refuse to listen. One listener said their MIL encouraged her to vent to HER instead of her friends b/c she couldn’t tell the MIL anything that would make her love her son less, but that’s not necessarily true for the DIL’s parents. If you vent to your parents, they may find it hard not to hold these things against the new family member they’re trying hard to include & love. In-laws can give you valuable insights into your spouse! They’re prob the only other people who love your spouse as much as you do.
- Be careful about forcing a relationship. Try your best to be at peace, but sometimes people just won’t end up being Bff’s.
- Be the bad cop. You be the spokesman to your own parents. Don’t leave it to your partner to work things out. If your parents aren’t respecting your privacy & just dropping by without calling first, YOU need to explain the situation and ask them to let you know ahead of time.
- Your in-laws may meet needs that your parents didn’t/don’t.
- It’s common to feel jealousy toward your in-laws and them to feel jealous toward you. We’re all learning to share.
- Make requests, not demands. Seek to negotiate & compromise.
- Express appreciation for their ideas, etc. (but you shouldn’t feel compelled to take all advice)
When YOU’RE the MIL.
I tell young married couples to give grace to their in-laws. It’s likely they’ve never done this before & are trying to get the hang of adjusting to the new family dynamic, too.
Go thru grieving period when child gets married (esp btwn mother/son). Try not to take personally or direct blame/grief AT someone.
Work on your own relationship/marriage so you don’t allow jealousy to dictate your relationship with your child & their spouse.
View your adult child as a married adult, separate and independent from you.
Reach out. Treat them as your own, rather than a married extension. Compliment your new son or DIL.
If you need to help your married children, you should first ASK if they want your help. An unwanted gift is a burden. Never use gifts to influence your child. We’ll buy you a car if you ___________. A gift is a gift, free & clear. Also, be CERTAIN you’re not just getting YOUR child’s agreement (without the spouse’s knowledge/buy-in. If not, you’re setting the couple up for conflict. Do you want to be the source of that?
Anna Quindlen talks about a rocky spot with her son & DIL about raising her first grandchild. It was obvious to her that the child needed ___________, and she said so. Hurt feelings/resentment ensued, both on their part for feeling judged/corrected and on her part for feeling ignored/rebuffed. She vented to a friend and pulled up short when her friend asked, “DID THEY ASK YOU?”
Similarly, Anne Lamott has spoken of her personal philosophy when it comes to inserting herself and her (obviously correct) opinions into her married son’s life: W.A.I.T. (Why Am I Talking?) This is a great rule of thumb for being an in-law (and new grandparent).
Your relationship will evolve during different seasons. It changes while you’re dating, engaged, newlyweds, having their grandchildren, etc. Each season brings new blessings & challenges.