“Caught in the middle” caring for children and elderly parents. Support both ends financially, emotionally, or physically. This term was coined by Dorothy Miller in 1981 to describe adult children of the elderly who are “sandwiched” between caring for their own children and their aging parents. While this group is subject to unique challenges and stress, they can also benefit from strong multi-generational bonds.
Nearly half of adults in their 40’s and 50’s have a parent aged 65 or older and are either raising a young child or financially supporting a grown child (aged 18 or older). And about 1-in-7 middle aged adults (15%) is providing financial support to both an aging parent AND a child. But that % will rise since the number of 65+ will increase by 2050. Millennials make up 1/3 of the caregivers…. Pandemic has accelerated the slide into this category. General trend of smaller family sizes means that there will be more only children in the future—the sole supporter of aging parents.
More people are marrying later & having children later….which means they’re more likely to still have younger children at home when it comes time to care for older parents or in-laws. In 2020, record numbers of adult children moved back home when businesses closed or job prospects were dim after graduating college mid-pandemic. Last year the highest proportion of 18-29 yr olds since the Great Depression (52%) were living with their parents.
There’s a multigenerational “squeeze” going on…and it’s sometimes brutal for the caregivers—the ones who are sandwiched. And—big shocker—the caregivers are by far most often women.
Children raised in sandwich generation household have the benefit of growing up with both parents and grandparents, while elderly relatives are able to enjoy time with their grandchildren.
American Psychological Association article from 2008 noted sandwich generation moms were feeling the squeeze. Aged 35-54, these moms “feel more stress than any other age group as they balance the demanding, delicate acts of caring for growing children and their aging parents.
Perspective: Honor vs. duty
Sometimes it helps to reframe situation from HAVING to take care of mom/dad to GETTING TO. It’s a privilege many don’t get. Reminded of this sharply in the past year with so many funerals and the toll on nursing homes/elderly. If you had or have a rocky relationship with your parents, this can be a fine line to walk. There’s a bare minimum of honoring that God asks of us toward our parents. It’s ok to have boundaries to tell yourself and others “I’m willing to do this, but not that.”
Lots of folks who just got their last kid off to college & were set to travel/enjoy the empty nest and now they can’t leave town b/c they’re the only ones there to manage daily care for their parent. (can cause resentment)
Paul writes to Timothy to give him advice about what the church should be doing versus what families should be doing. “Give proper recognition to those widows who are really in need. But if a widow has children or grandchildren, these should learn first of all to put their religion into practice by caring for their own family and so repaying their parents and grandparents, for this is pleasing to God.”
Leviticus 19:32 ESV /
“You shall stand up before the gray head and honor the face of an old man, and you shall fear your God: I am the Lord.
Proverbs 23:22 ESV /
Listen to your father who gave you life, and do not despise your mother when she is old.
Strategies: To help caregivers manage stress
Identify stressors: What events or situation trigger stressful feelings? Are they related to your children family health, financial decision, work, relationships, or something else?
Recognize how you deal with stress: Unhealthy behaviors may feel good at the time, but they will ultimately harm you. Alcohol? Food? Media? Anger? Sadness? Resentment? Try to put things in perspective and identify the important from the urgent.
Find healthy ways to manage stress: Talk a walk, exercise, talking to a friend or family member. Without time to attend to your own emotional needs, you can develop chronic stress — an exhausting, non-stop version of the body’s fight-or-flight response. It isn’t just emotionally detrimental, it also heightens the risk of developing high blook pressure, diabetes, depression, and heart disease.
Take care of yourself: What are your non-negotiable needs? eat right, try to get enough sleep, drink plenty of water, stay connected to important people in your life. Consider options like home care, home health, adult day care, respite care if you are overwhelmed and can’t manage.
Practical Ideas: For those “sandwiched” between parents and kids
Be aware of your marriage: If one spouse is primarily having to do most of the caregiving, it leaves less time for the other. If there’s traveling back & forth between states for long periods or a lot of mtnce, the strain is real. There could be resentment in the relationship or with kids. There’s a lot of balls to keep in the air and it’s a rare person who can manage it flawlessly at all times.
Dignity/independence: Put yourself in their shoes. Would you want your kids to have secret “family meetings” to decide your life for you and then “sit you down” for a talk? As much as possible, the parent should be in on all decisions that affect them. Barring them being a danger to themselves or others (dementia, excessive falls, etc.), they have the right to independence. Though the time/expense/emotional toll caregiving takes may SEEM like parenting a toddler or teenager sometimes, they are NOT and need to have agency in their own life.
Save time while updating family: Many caregivers feel like they spend half their time updating far-flung family members on the condition of their parents. Having one central place where information is kept and shared can simplify and streamline this. A group text, GroupMe app, or a Caring Bridge account both work well. Even a spreadsheet on Google Drive can work if multiple people need to add information.
Involve others in helping give care: Your children can help with household chores. A friend can help carpool or pick up from practices.
Consider hiring help: Professional house cleaning can have the most bang for your buck. Or you can get help for a specific task like laundry. Homeschooled teens are an excellent resource for this at a lower price than professionals.
Talk to your employer: After CV19 work-from-home flexibility and possibility are very real options. Some employers have FMLA benefits that allow you take up to 12 weeks of unpaid, job-protected leave per year. Some companies also offer emergency or back up daycare for employees’ children. Ask.
Ask for professional support: If you are continually overwhelmed, then it might be time to talk to a counselor. How you manage stress is a model for those around you, not the least of whom is your family.
Get emotional and spiritual support: Find a church home. The body of Christ can and should be helping with these types of needs. Emotionally, it’s really, really difficult watching a parent decline. As their world shrinks, it’s really hard to shift your view from someone who used to fix everything & care for YOU to the other way around. As hard as it is for you, it’s emotionally difficult for THEM also. They may feel useless or lonely, and you might be their only outlet for that.
Pay attention to finances: children can be one of the biggest financial strains on a family. If you have to help your parents out, it could take another chunk. You might provide extra groceries, etc. 32% in a sample survey from NYT said they’d made financial sacrifices—including career sacrifices to be there for loved ones. Caregiving can be like a third job.
Set up a power of attorney: If you already are or think you will be your parents’ caretaker, start talking to them about their financial situation NOW b/c it may take years for them to accept your help or even be open about their situation. Even so far as last wishes/funeral preparation etc…. this is a reality of life and avoiding talking about it won’t make it disappear. These sort of conversations can be unpleasant but are VITAL if something happens and you need to step in.
It’s smart & a blessing to everyone to have a NOTEBOOK or central place to keep vital info about insurance, banking, passwords, bills, and even your wishes concerning end-of-life decisions. When going through a health crisis or loss, having to ferret out all these details is overwhelming and adds salt to the wound. Keep information like this current for your parents and yourself!
Knowing your elderly parent’s wishes and having legal authority in advance can prevent stress and save time, especially when an emergency arises and you face end-of-life care decisions.
Let go: Sometimes you won’t have balance. Sometimes you will focus more on children or spouse, sometimes on your aging parent. Sometimes you put out fires.