Married at 22, busy with her blossoming career as a music teacher, and working towards an advanced degree, Katie Frazier’s life was turning out just the way she’d imagined. She and her musician husband Shawn, like most young married couples, were focused on building: building their new relationship, their professional status, and financial nest egg.
It wasn’t long before they began talking about adding to their family. Their dog, Gingersnap, was their first addition, but they longed for the pitter-patter of little feet in their home: a baby. So they happily did–well, what you DO–to make that happen, but month after month, the news they’d hoped for didn’t come. It wasn’t until a year or so in to the “trying” process that Katie began to feel antsy. At her next appointment, she brought it up to her doctor, who was initially fairly dismissive. It’s not that unusual. Not time to worry.
When a few MORE months slid by, Katie decided to press the issue, and about two years into their active trying process, they opened the door to tests. So many tests. Vials of drawn blood, endless charts and tracking to make sure Katie was ovulating, regular, and hopefully fertile. Shawn had tests, too. They both had time off from work each month for appointments, assessments, and–hopefully–a diagnosis of why they were having trouble.
What was taking so long? It’s the most natural thing in the world to have a baby, Katie thought. She witnessed her friends getting pregnant left and right, and heard of so many teenagers and others who “weren’t ready” with the positive pregnancy sign she was becoming more and more anxious about. Was she doing something wrong? Worse, was God somehow admonishing or punishing her in some way? Maybe if she prayed more? Wanted it more? Was more all-in with her faith?
There’s a 30-30-30 statistic that gets quoted a lot in an attempt to explain causes of infertility. Thirty percent of the time infertility is due to issues with the male, 30% with the female, and 30% unexplained. Katie and Shawn fell into that last 30%. While each of them seemed healthy and able to provide viable reproductive elements, for some unknown reason, pregnancy wasn’t occurring.
They switched to a specialist farther away, which meant more appointments and more time off work. In an effort to focus on something other than this repeatedly disappointing process, they deliberately counted their blessings. They enjoyed the extra one-on-one time with each other that they knew would lessen if and when a baby arrived. Katie started thinking about working less, which gave her more time with God–allowing her to realize their situation was not a punishment or testing ground that she somehow deserved.
Often, insurance doesn’t often cover fertility treatments, and this was the case for the Fraziers. They underwent six treatments of IUI (intrauterine insemination), which cost them quite a bit–in time and money, not to mention the emotional turmoil of anxiety and disappointment when, inevitably, none of the procedures was successful. They went together to the appointments, a decidedly unsexy and pressure-filled experience; however, they felt it was best to go into the process as a loving couple rather than relying on the ubiquitous porn provided. Their faith led them through each decision, and they both wanted to approach their situation asking what God would have them do.
Meanwhile, they worked on their marriage and helped each other through grieving their expectations for their family.
After three years of trying, with no results, the Fraziers came to a decision point when the specialists were ready to try IVF, something that would cost thousands with no guarantee of the result they hoped for, and that came with a myriad of ethical questions they didn’t feel ready to tackle. Katie felt drawn to adoption after a Christmas sermon asked the question “what in your life do you need to say yes to?” It took Shawn a while longer to feel that same pull.
When they finally applied with an agency for adoption, they were told the process took, on average, 1.75 years. Katie all but marked it on her calendar. While they completed the classes, home study, and lengthy application process, the year-mark passed with no phone call. By this time, Katie had become active in several faith groups, strengthening her spiritual muscles and leaning on God and the support of the faithful communities she’d become a part of. They were showered with prayer. One resource she found helpful was the book Hannah’s Hope.
It was exactly two and a half years into the adoption process that the Fraziers got The Call they’d long awaited. Their baby had been born two days prior and would be coming home to them in less than a week. Their small group supported them with food and help, and their daughter, Daisy, was officially, legally a Frazier after six months. The long eight-year dearth of childlessness had ended and a new chapter had begun.
Daisy’s placement day 
Katie & Daisy
While Katie emphasizes the support and love they received from so many, she, like so many women struggling with the heartbreak of infertility, also faced unintended hurt from people who likely didn’t know what to say. In these cases, she says, it’s better to ask questions or stay silent than offer potentially hurtful advice.
Don’t ask when/if a couple is going to “start a family,” “give grandchildren,” or anything similar
Everything happens for a reason
Any sentence that begins with “At least..”
Have you tried…..?
Mother’s Day can be particularly hard. You have no way of knowing if someone has experienced pregnancy loss, mother loss, or other grief like infertility. Be sensitive on this holiday. Words often fail. Sometimes a hug says enough.
Even after the adoption, don’t believe/say the myth that “now that you’ve adopted, you’ll probably get pregnant!” Yes, there are some cases of that happening, but not to everyone. Katie says, Nope. Still not pregnant.
Not every family is “one and done” by choice. Don’t ask or prod about having a sibling or make a mother feel guilty about having an “only child.” Secondary infertility is a real issue as well, and many women who have easily conceived their first are unable to carry a second pregnancy for any number of reasons.
It’s also helpful to adoptive families if you are sensitive about how you speak about their child and the adoption process. Some language is unintentionally hurtful. Adopted children are listening and internalizing what people say about them and their belonging to a family.
