We’re talking today about criers. I never thought of myself as a crier. I don’t like it. When I broke my arm falling off a horse: dry eyed. I was from a big family and if you fell down or got your feelings hurt (feelings? ), you rubbed some dirt on it and walked it off. My dad was like Tom Hanks from A League of Their Own: THERE’S NO CRYING IN BASEBALL!
Renee: I almost never cried as a child. My first memory of really big ugly crying was at my grandmother’s funeral. At the news of her death I was dry eyed, but I can still see the church foyer door swing open and her casket sitting at the front of the church as the family walked down to the front pews to be seated. That did it. I was a mess.
I remember seeing my parents cry a handful of times. My father, upon the death of his father, when my mom died, and then when his second wife died. My mother only once, when she was distraught about a drastic choice one of my siblings had made. So maybe that’s why. We were stoic. It was the 70s and 80s and you held yourself together….or they’d “give you something to cry about.”
Renee? Did your parents cry? Or was that a private thing like personal hygiene that was best kept behind closed doors? I never saw my dad cry and I remember accidentally catching my dad holding my mom in his arms after her own mother died.
I heard recently that you can stand in the front of a plane with a crying baby on board & look at the faces of the passengers and know who had been allowed to cry as a kid. !!! The ones who are super uncomfortable and stressed and squirmy don’t know what to do with others’ uncontrolled emotions.
For YEARS I held back tears. There were “acceptable” times I could tidily set aside for a cry: Terms of Endearment; Beaches. The “ugly cry” movies that gave you an excuse.
But otherwise it was a hassle. I’d get snotty, my face would turn blotchy and red immediately, and my eyelids would stay swollen for a good 24 hours after. It wasn’t worth it. And NEVER, NEVER in public.
Crying is actually a biological mechanism that’s GOOD for us. It reduces stress. Which you KNOW if you’ve had a good cry because you almost always feel better after. Emptied of all the tension and feelings you’ve been carrying and stuffing. You sleep better (once you can breathe thru your nose again).
Crying also releases some good stuff: oxytocin, endorphins…while it’s reducing cortisol. So it’s our body’s way of regulating us and getting things back in balance.
You know that “witching hour” that we used to live through at the end of the day when babies tend to cry/fuss? I used to have such a hard time with that little window of time, trying everything to calm and rock and soothe and HUSH.
But then I learned that babies use crying to reduce stress. So they’re letting off the steam from the day the only way their bodies can. It’s not like they can go for a run or hit the Pelaton. Now with my granddaughter, it’s so different… She often has a little fuss/whine before she falls asleep, even if you’re holding her, and now that I look at it as a stress release MY BODY doesn’t tense in response as if I must immediately fix the tears and I can help her let her stress/stimulation out.
So where along the way do we learn to quit that? That it’s not ok to cry? That our sadness makes other people uncomfortable so it’s best to keep it to ourselves?
I DO appreciate the trend to help kids recognize and name their emotions, go ahead and feel them/let them wash over you (instead of denying or stuffing) and then learn some regulation.
I might’ve had far fewer migraines in my 20’s and 30’s had I just LET SOME STUFF OUT.
What Triggers Crying?
Some temperaments are more prone to crying than others. If you’re a “blue” temperament you access your emotions a little more freely than the rest of us. You can cry from empathy or sympathy easier. Like the videos of the soldiers coming home and surprising their families.
Maybe from happiness or gratitude, like at the birth of a child. Being touched by a thoughtful gift or gesture. Being moved by your kid’s graduation or accomplishment.
I used to cry when I was really angry or frustrated about something, but the more I’ve thought about it, the more I think that was one strong emotion (anger) trying to clear out another (sadness) because I was doing a terrible job clearing it out on my own.
Grief, obviously. And not just grief over losing someone. You can grieve passing seasons (your child starting or finishing high school or kindergarten); you can grieve change. Even happy change—like the birth of a new child—can make you sad for the life you used to have.
Crybaby
So, now, in our 3rd chapter of life, man! Cue the waterworks. I’ve been processing so much stuff and living through a couple of hard years until I guess my body decided to take matters into its own hands.
I’m a crier now. I can’t stop it. Even in public! Maybe it’s hormonal (menopause?). I actually think it’s because I’m healing a lot of things. I can’t count the number of times this past couple of years I’ve teared up on a podcast in a particularly meaningful conversation. We’re zooming with a guest so it’s on video & I’m just signaling to carry on while I’m trying not to be noisy sniffling.
Or, goodness knows, with my close friends & husband. And even with my own kids, who may be concerned that mom’s going a little loopy in her mid 50’s.
I’ve cried WITH people more than I ever have. I empathy cry immediately. The minute someone else’s eyes get watery, I grab the tissues.
If you’re a holder-backer, a stuffer,
(1) your body probably reflects that—shoulder pain, back pain, migraines. Angry all the time.
(2) know that tears are your strength, not a weakness. They show a bravery to face and feel.
(3) Your tears aren’t wasted blubbering. They’re seen & being used for something beautiful. Everything needs watering.
Isaiah 35 The desert and the parched land will be glad; the wilderness will rejoice and blossom. .. Water will gush forth in the wilderness and streams in the desert. The burning sand will become a pool, the thirsty ground bubbling springs. In the haunts where jackals once lay, grass and reeds and papyrus will grow.
Isaiah 58: 11-12 …he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail…
Psalm 56:8 You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.