When we were in middle & high school in the 80’s, all of my friends had intact 2-parent homes. There’d been a couple divorces in my extended family—and more later down the road—but 40ish years ago, no one I knew dealt with the issue. (and I lived in several states in various types of communities; I wasn’t just in the country’s Bible belt).
10ish years later—in the 90’s–my kids’ friends’ families told a different story. By the time they were both in college, they came home with a realization that their home life/family (a 2-parent home) had been an exception to the norm they saw in their young adult friends. I recently had a conversation with a nephew who lives in NYC who told me the same thing. Everyone he knows has divorced parents.
….and from what the young adults in my family report, despite our culture telling us families are better off and how resilient children are, the kids are not ok.
Our guest today is Kent Darcie, the founder of Adults with Divorced Parents Ministries and a licensed counselor in Southeast Michigan. Kent is also a popular speaker, workshop presenter, podcast host, blog and article writer, and the author of the book “Choose a Better Path: Overcoming the Impact of Your Parents’ Divorce.”
WELCOME & INTRO family, marriage. My parents divorced when I was 13, but I was in denial of the negative impact it was having on me for many years.
Why is this topic so important to address?
Why did you start this ministry for adults with divorced parents?
If you have divorced parents, you’re probably not doing “fine.” Most ADP are unaware of the issues, or are denying the ones they’ve identified. Issues that can impact adults with divorced parents include anger, fears, triggers, father hunger, grief, and others.
Let’s talk about some of these and what they might look like:
One of the big challenges adults with divorced parents face is not reverting to fight or flight when others are upset. In relationships when others are upset it can trigger the “c o n f l I c t equals d i v o r c e” programming. Besides this being untrue, it puts us at odds with the inevitable: people will get upset, and conflict will happen.
What’s in a Name?
In a Jan 2023 article, writer Dara Katz referred to a new perspective where if a parent says “your mom” or “your dad” it could be bad for the children. According to Dr. Lauren Cook, “the addition of the word “your” immediately creates an otherness in the family.” “The child is now hearing a separateness in who they’re connecting with.”
I had this situation when my father remarried after my mother died. We were all adults and his new wife wasn’t in any sense our “stepmother,” nor were her kids our step siblings… except for semantics. It made for some awkward introductions. Just one more thing ADPs have to navigate.
Loving the holidays even when you have divorced parents. Once you’re an adult with your own spouse & children, holidays already get tricky trying to balance each spouse’s family. When families have split, there are even more places to go, people to see, and boxes to check. It all adds to the holiday pressure/stress, especially because it’s supposed to be a family-focused happy time.
Could your “anger problem” be related to your parents’ divorce?
What is Gray Divorce? Parents divorcing in adulthood…the nest empties; no longer need to “stay together for the kids,” and parents divorce while kids are in college or just starting their own families/lives.
Home Will Never Be the Same Again by Carol Hughes & Bruce Fredenburg. The US divorce rate among adults aged fifty and older doubled between 1990 and 2010, and it is projected to triple by 2030.
Is there a difference between the impact of parental divorce in childhood and parental divorce in adulthood ?
Issues faced with gray divorce include:
- Dealing with siblings or extended families who are choosing Dad or Mom’s side
- Parents who want you to choose their side
- Explaining why grandma and grandpa aren’t together anymore
- Worrying about the health or financial health of a now single parent
- Feeling like the parent of two teenagers (role reversal)
Other emotional examples include:
- Guilt (for responding or not responding the way a parent desires)
- Lack of empathy from family, friends, and spouses (They’re grown and have right to be happy, don’t they?)
- Grief over lost traditions and family cohesiveness. (Adult kids have longer-established family rituals and memories than younger ones.)
- Doubts about your marriage. (If Mom and Dad couldn’t make it after 35 years, how can we survive with all our troubles?!)
How to have boundaries with divorced parents.
You’re an adult and your parents just divorced. Important things to know.
Tell us about your book “Choose a Better Path: Overcoming the Impact of Your Parents’ Divorce.”
Do you know how divorced parents feel about your book?
For the listener who is thinking, “Wow, this is me!” what are some steps they can take right now that can help?