Most moms of tweens or teens know this situation: One morning they’re hugging you at breakfast and chatting about their day, and the next (it seems) your relationship has become this minefield of what you can and can’t say, how you might unpredictably trigger conflict. It’s relational whiplash and can leave you spinning.
Today’s guest has ALSO been there with her own teens and lived to tell about it. Welcome: Jeanine Mouchawar (INTRO)
Mom of 3 teens (2 sons & a daughter).
How would you describe your own experience as a teenager? And would you say when your own kids reached those years, did you reflexively do as you knew or were you trying different approaches?
What was it like in your house when your kids hit the teen years?
WE HAVE FOUND: Relationships with older kids are essentially trust based. In our society (in our experience) we see parents typically doing things backwards….the funnel is wide open when they’re little (& consequences are lower stakes) and when they hit the teen years & the stakes exponentially increase, parents panic and batten down the hatches….which understandably isn’t received well.
Hence, the conflict.
It’s BEST/IDEAL to start early with your toddler with small allowances of freedom & let those reins out AS RESPONSIBILITY is demonstrated and EARNED. Then, by the time your child is 12, 13… there’s already established trust and they’re able to be trusted with much more. (Luke 16:10 Whoever can be trusted with little can also be trusted with much…)
But, if you haven’t operated that way, and you’re now hitting middle school & high school and having a lot of conflict, what do you do?
- Maybe first get curious about yourself & what your child’s behavior might be triggering from your own childhood experience… am I just reacting or being triggered?
- Open questions instead of “you need to’s”…. tell me more about that. What else? You’re handing the baton to them to see if they can solve things themselves (many times they can or they see they already know the answer).
- There should be open windows both ways…. Apologies and “will you forgive me” from you and them. It’s not ok for either of you to yell or talk down to one another.
- How to stop yelling and talk so your teen listens?
- What if you really don’t like your teen?
- What’s the quickest way to get your teen to share?
- What if they persist in risky, defiant behavior? No punishments? No consequences?