What are little boys made of?
What are little boys made of?
Snips and snails and puppy dogs’ tails–
That’s what little boys are made of.
The nursery rhyme from the early 19th century may ring true if you have a house full of sons like our two guests: Trish Waldron and Sarah Perry. Of course, we’re speaking in generalities. Not every boy is a “loud noise with dirt on it.” Each child is unique and different, with his own gifts, temperament, and talents.
Renee and I each had daughters first and sons second. One of each seemed a nice, even deal of the cards. But Sarah and Trish have three boys each. Sarah’s are all under 5 years old, while Trish’s have mostly left the nest (her youngest has only a short time before he graduates high school).
It was apparent right from the start that their homes would be rowdy. Like a litter of puppies, the brothers wrestled, tumbled, and climbed all over one another and the furniture. Although they were “all boy,” Trish and Sarah still upheld standards of behavior. The boys could be physical and full of energy, but there were limits. When things escalated, they’d be sent to cool off–usually before someone got hurt.
There’s something innate in little boys that tends toward aggressive play: building a tower of blocks for the pleasure of knocking it down, taking things apart (the remote, an electronic toy), wielding sticks as swords or guns to conquer the other guy. None of us taught these things to our sons or necessarily let them watch such things on TV or video games. It was as if they’d known it from birth.
Renee and I note that our daughters, in contrast, would rather make the sticks have a conversation or dress them in a set of aesthetically pleasing leaves. Again, not all girls prefer this sort of thing. Many love to be in the middle of the tussle and tumble, climbing trees and getting dirty just like their brothers.
We all noticed a marked difference in the relationship of our sons to technology. While tween and teen girls tend to be drawn to their phones for social media and texting–creating and evaluating relationships–our boys couldn’t have cared less about such things. If they used their phones at all it was mostly for gaming, although this wasn’t true across the board. Those of us with older boys had, at some point, to monitor the video game usage. It was a way for them to spend time with their dads and friends, but it wasn’t 24/7 access. Some boys are more susceptible than others to prolonged gaming, unable to disconnect. In that case, parents need to help them set limits.
If a certain game or too much time spent on video games resulted in behavior changes–poor choices, forgetting manners, disrespect, or marked aggression, we would eliminate or severely limit the game until the offending behavior improved.
Boys often relate to moms as “other,” and dads as “same,” especially as they get older. It’s natural for them to pull away from mom. A great way for dads and sons to connect is by doing things together. Dad needs to tinker with the car, so his son holds the flashlight; Dad needs to cut the grass, and they pick up the sticks together; the laundry needs to be done, so they fold clothes side by side. Parallel activities take the pressure off for guys and can often lead to “open window” moments where meaningful conversations can occur. It has the added benefit of bringing boys alongside and learning what it means to be a man and a father.
In homes without a father’s presence, it’s critical to try to involve other adult men in a boy’s life. Find an uncle or grandfather or even other trusted dads in your community who can step in and be a visual for what a good man looks like and how he acts. A boy can never have too many examples of healthy relationships, good marriages, or how to be a gentleman.
For Sarah and Trish, since they were the sole females in their homes, they served as the example of how to treat women/girls. Sisters or cousins can also be practiced on! In Sarah’s family, the boys know they can’t jump on mom like they wrestle with dad. Both Trish and Sarah have standards for how the boys are allowed to speak to them. No matter how deep their voices get or how much they tower over their moms as they grow, they’re not allowed to use their physical presence to intimidate. Because they were (are) diligent with this when their boys were small, it didn’t take much to remind them if they started sliding as they grew older.
As boy moms, we teach our sons to be protectors when it comes to others, but especially girls. This means being a gentleman (holding the door, offering to pay for a meal, walking on the street side of the sidewalk). Yes, all “old-fashioned” Southern manners, but making a girl feel special and protected is never obsolete. It also means listening to girls. When they say no (even if it’s teasing or tickling), you stop. Period. A good way to practice this is to have young sons take mom on a “date” occasionally. Let them pay for ice cream (with money from dad), hold the door, bring mom flowers, and practice other manners.
Protection is more than physical. Sadly, many girls feel pressured by peers or culture to get attention with sexual overtures. This may look like sending pictures or other related language with text or Snapchat (or whatever app is current). In this case, protection looks like deleting and not forwarding these things and letting the girl know that’s not expected and that she’s worth more than that. (moral protection)
While sports are often a great outlet for energy and a way to foster character, commitment, and perseverance, not all boys will gravitate to or be good at sports. Sometimes it’s hard (especially for dads) to set aside their own athletic ambitions in favor of their son’s gifts/interests. Academics, science, and the arts have plenty of room for boys and are much more likely to allow a boy to excel into adulthood than playing for the NFL someday. It’s fine to let them try soccer, baseball, or other team sports, but recognize there are other areas to thrive as well.
Other options besides team sports include choruses or choirs, band or music, or individual sports where they compete against themselves. Try martial arts, swimming, diving, fencing, rock climbing, cycling, or track.
Trish noted that it’s often mothers who have only boys who make the worst mothers-in-law down the road. It’s the wise mother who sets aside her “female reign” for a daughter-in-law to step into her son’s life. Such a mother will be much more likely to have her sons’ families want to spend time with her after they’ve left the nest!
Some great “boy mom” resources we’ve mentioned before include: Raising a Modern Day Knight, Wild At Heart, and Decoding Boys.