In Romans 12, Paul lists a handful of spiritual gifts. Not an exhaustive list, but a good one.
“Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship.” (Rom 12:1)
The last of those, in vs 8, is the gift of mercy. (“Having gifts that differ according to the grace given to us, let us use them… The one who does acts of mercy, with cheerfulness…”) I don’t think these are listed in any particular order, so that’s not to say mercy is some sort of lesser gift because it’s mentioned last.
So, what exactly IS mercy and how does it apply to being a mom or a parent?
MERCY, in a word, is compassion or forbearance. Forbearance isn’t one of those words we typically use in casual conversation, so we’ll say that means “refraining from the enforcement of something” or maybe something like patience.
Biblehub: The term “oiktirmos” refers to a deep sense of compassion or mercy, often associated with the feelings of empathy and kindness towards others. It is used in the New Testament to describe the tender mercies of God towards humanity and the expected attitude of believers towards one another. This word emphasizes the emotional aspect of mercy, highlighting a heartfelt response to the suffering or needs of others.
We can say mercy is tenderheartedness or compassion toward someone in need. And, children, by their nature, are NEEDY. They need guidance & protection, instruction, help, rescue, love, discipline, patience, support, provision; they need a true and real vision of themselves.
That’s a long list of needs—and as parents we are at some point responsible for all of them.
That’s why we sink into the couch at the end of a long day with toddlers and sigh…MERCY!
We Need Mercy, Too
Because bottom line: mercy is what we all need, whether we know it or not, and it’s the place of comfort.
Ps 145:9 the Lord is good to all and his mercy is over all that He has made.
Eph 2:4 But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which He loved us.
Heb 4:16 Let us then with confidence draw near the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.
If we see ourselves as God’s ambassadors to our children, then we faithfully represent His message and character. Part of that character—a big part!—is mercy.
When we as moms pause and think about how WE need mercy, how we needed our own parents’ mercy and how we need God’s mercy, our hearts change toward our children.
Instead of being punishment-driven, harsh or quick to come down on them, mercy makes our hearts tender.
What Merciful Parenting Looks Like
We’re not talking about being wishy-washy or permissive. God is neither of those things. The foolish things your children do are not ok, and the standard is still the standard. We can be both firm and tender.
- It’s about not taking your children’s failures personally, but viewing them with compassion. They are a struggling, needy person separate from you.
- Being as encouraging as you are quick to rebuke.
- Refusing to indulge your irritation/anger. (Letting God work on your heart here…how do you see your children? Are they interruptions? Annoyances? Do they disrupt your plans & get in your way—of sleep, me-time, projects you planned? Or are they a small person in need of compassion and instruction?)
- Being quick to forgive and restore. Not holding grudges against your children or throwing back at them past actions.
- Moving toward them in love even when (especially when) they don’t deserve it. (In the middle of a toddler’s tantrum or in the midst of a teenager’s contempt/attitude)
- Refusing to motivate by shame or threat.
These things don’t come naturally or easily to many of us. Mercy is a GIFT, remember…and some of us will come to it more easily than others. For some of us, it is not our reflexive response and we will need to be humble and practice it again and again and again (the same thing we get irritated with our children about…how many times do I have to tell you????)
Paul David Tripp describes the merciful parent as a FIRST RESPONDER, which is a helpful way to imagine our role.
What does a first responder do? A fireman runs into the burning building or the paramedic enters a scene of chaos to bring hope. They’re motivated by (1) awareness of need and (2) compassionate desire to help.
That’s who we are as parents….we are called to rush in with help when our child is in danger (but the danger may be temptation, a lapse in character or selfish actions).
First responders aren’t there to judge or lecture or condemn. They’re there to provide rescue—that the person can’t give himself.
We’re to be ready to rescue, heal, and protect. Who does that sound like? If we do that, we are God’s ambassadors.
EMTs don’t take the needs of others personally. They don’t get mad that their day or their plans have been interrupted. They’ve been trained for a moment like this.
Every day, we’re sure to get opportunities with our kids to go on a mission of mercy to them.
We’re pointing them to the heart issues behind their behaviors. We’re instructing in patience. We’re pointing them to grace.
Remember…we are not called to RESULTS but to OBEDIENCE. We are only tools in God’s hands…we are actually free from having to change our children, make them believe, or desire what’s right.
We ARE called to expose what is bad, point to what is good, and talk about the One who knows their hearts.
Unfortunately, our best opportunities to be first responders aren’t likely to be on our schedule. It’ll be an argument in the car, something you’ve found in their room or on their phone, an email from a teacher or an attitude with siblings at dinner.
When we’re shown things like these, it’s not an inconvenience, hassle, interruption or accident: it’s grace. It’s the 911 line ringing and you can choose how to respond to it.