Today’s episode came from a listener suggestion. Their older family dog recently had a cancer diagnosis and they’d decided with the veterinarian to prevent suffering and hasten the end.
That prompted a lot of questions from their child about the process & what happens after. Questions you don’t want to brush off as a parent, for sure, but—depending on the child’s age– you don’t necessarily want or need to go into a giant existential lecture about either.
If you’ve ever been in that situation, you know what a tough decision that can be, how emotional. In a lot of cases in families with young children, the dog/cat was part of the family before children came along, and mom/dad find themselves losing a long-time family member. So mom & dad are already sad and in the middle of that, they’re fielding innocent (but hard) questions from their child.
We thought it might be useful to talk through a situation like this.
Personal Experience:
As the wife of a vet, we’ve had a lot of animals in our home over the years. We have a few acres, and there’s a designated area at the back that’s become our own little (unmarked) cemetery. Over the 30+ years of our marriage, we’ve lost 1 dog, 6 cats, 3 hamsters, a guinea pig, 2 horses, a donkey, and a very unfortunate hedgehog.
We’re on a kind of mini-farm, so we’ve also lost many chickens, some ducks, and beehives.
When you string it all together like that, it sounds like we’re some sort of “house of death,” but that’s a little bit the point I’m making here. On a farm—and certainly in my husband’s line of work—the circle of life is front and center. You can’t miss it. We’ve had lots of opportunities to talk about these things and for our kids to experience them.
Renee?? We lost our two schnauzers in August of 2020 just two weeks apart. The younger one, Baxter, who was the sweet and goofy one, began to act funny, walking along the fenceline in the backyard and laying at the backdoor waaaay more than usual. We went to the vet and he was basically going downhill very quickly: he had multiple body systems failing (gall bladder, kidneys) and then he went blind. We made teh (excruciating) decision to put him down. Everyone got to say goodbye, which was good and bad. The kids said that the other dog, Rosie, stood at the back door after we left for a long time. When we returned home that evening, she refused to look at us. Somehow, she knew.
Then, two weeks later, Rosie’s congestive heart failure got significantly worse and she collapsed in the kitchen. We put her down two weeks to the day and HOUR of Baxter. I’m convinced she died of a broken heart.
So, as a parent, how do you explain the loss of a pet to your child?
There’s a difference between sudden (hit by a car) and a long illness. If it’s an illness or if you have time while you’re considering options, break the news to your child in a familiar, comfortable place if possible.
If it’s sudden, you may not have that option. My kids found the hamsters themselves, for example. That’s going to be a little more emotional/traumatic.
Context:
How old is the child? How mature are they? What’s been their experience with death so far?
As you would with any important issue, you listen to the child’s question & give only the information relevant to that question. Be truthful.
This is a good opportunity to talk about fundamental parts of our worldview as Christians: including death, resurrection, and the compassionate heart of God.
Garrett Kell at TGC has a great article titled What Happens to Our Pets When They Die?
Death is one of life’s saddest and most certain realities. Whether it be a pet or a fellow image-bearer, few things sober us like death. A cold, stiff body that lacks the life it once supported is a heavy reminder that something is tragically wrong with our world.
The Bible tells us plainly that when Adam and Eve revolted against God, a curse was put not just on humanity, but on all creation (Gen. 3:14, 19). Because of this, death comes for all of us, humans and animals alike.
Not only that, God isn’t cruel; he’s caring.
The God of the Bible isn’t a cruel, distant, absentee father who expects his suffering children to “suck it up.” Rather, he gives us precious promises.
A great Psalm to discuss (or memorize!) is Psalm 34:18: “The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”
When pets die, it’s a fine time to grab a promise from the Lord and let it comfort you. Again, for some this may seem petty. But I assure you it’s not. In fact, if your god doesn’t care about the tears of a child who’s lost her beloved pet, then your god is too distant.
If your pet is aging or has a long illness, it might be wise to talk to your kids before the pet dies. They can come with you to the vet’s office and see that the doctor is trying to do what’s best and is kind/gentle.
If you have to euthanize, you can say
- the veterinarians have done everything that they can
- your pet would never get better
- this is the kindest way to take the pet’s pain away
- the pet will die peacefully, without feeling hurt or scared
It’s OK to use words like “death” and “dying” or to say something like “The veterinarian will give our pet a shot that stops the heart from beating.”
Many kids want a chance to say goodbye first, and some may be old enough or emotionally mature enough to be there to comfort the pet during the process. (That can be a hard call, depending on the age of the child. Most of the time, younger children aren’t present during a euthanization…one of the youngest I’ve seen present was 7, but many times even adults find it hard to be present.)
***If you do have to euthanize your pet, be careful about saying the animal went “to sleep” or “got put to sleep.” Young kids can take things literally, so this can conjure up scary ideas about sleep or surgery and anesthesia.
What happens after?
There are different options for what families can do with a deceased pet. It’s not unusual (depending on the pet’s size) to bury it in the yard with a small marker or tree. If that’s prohibited where you live or not feasible (weather, health challenges, etc.), your veterinarian can also assist with cremation services (usually off-site). In this case, you’ll receive back a container of ash.
This could lead to other questions… what are “remains”? How is that different from the pet’s body?
In that case, you can have another conversation: Princess’ spirit (the invisible thing that makes her alive and able to move around) is gone.
“Remains” might be her empty body. Or, sometimes it’s easier to bury the body that’s left when it’s turned into ash first.
Inevitably, these questions can lead logically to questions about people, and more specifically, people they know and love, or themselves. Again, truth is best, but parse it out according to age.
(We’ve done a couple of past podcasts on helping kids cope with a loss).
Stick to the Truth
Avoid trying to gloss over the event with a lie. Telling a child that “Buster ran away” or “Max went on a trip” is not a good idea. It probably won’t ease the sadness about losing the pet, and if the truth does come out, your child might be angry that you lied.
If asked what happens to the pet after it dies, draw on your own understanding of death, including your faith. And an honest “I don’t know” certainly can be an appropriate answer.
Without getting too deep into the theology of whether animals have souls, we certainly see them as part of God’s “very good” creation. They have “the breath of life” in them (Gen 7:22) and are part of the picture of a redeemed earth (lion laying down with the lamb) described in scripture. God clearly delights in them & they are “innocents” in a way humans are not.
It’s not uncommon for a pet to eventually die of the same disease that their owner may have. We see that frequently. There’s a powerful bond between humans and (especially) their live-in pets. A shared intuitiveness & energy (dog knows when owner starts on her way home).
With as much comfort, joy, humor, companionship, cooperation and other aspects that there are in the human-animal bond, it would seem fairly incomplete to spend eternity without these creatures that capture our hearts and teach us in many ways. For that reason, we think we WILL see our beloved pets again someday.
Helping Your Child Cope
Like anyone dealing with a loss, kids usually feel a variety of emotions besides sadness after the death of a pet. They might experience loneliness, anger if the pet was euthanized, frustration that the pet couldn’t get better, or guilt about times that they were mean to or didn’t care for the pet as promised.
Help kids understand that it’s natural to feel all of those emotions, that it’s OK to not want to talk about them at first, and that you’re there when they are ready to talk.
Don’t feel compelled to hide your own sadness about losing a pet. Showing how you feel and talking about it openly sets an example for kids. You show that it’s OK to feel sad when you lose a loved one, to talk about your feelings, and to cry when you feel sad. And it’s comforting to kids to know that they’re not alone in feeling sad. Share stories about the pets you had — and lost — when you were young and how hard it was to say goodbye.
Looking Ahead
After the shock of the news fades, it’s important to help kids heal and move on.
It can help for them to find special ways to remember a pet. You might have a ceremony to honor your pet or just share memories of fun times you had together. Write a prayer together or offer thoughts on what the pet meant to each family member. Share stories of your pet’s funny moments. Offer lots of loving hugs.
Keep in mind that grieving over the loss of a pet, particularly for a child, is similar to grieving over a person. For kids, losing a pet who offered love and companionship can be much harder than losing a distant relative. You might have to explain that to friends, family members, or others who don’t own pets or don’t understand that.
Perhaps most important, talk about your pet, often and with love. Let your child know that while the pain will go away, the happy memories of the pet will always remain. When the time is right, you might consider adopting a new pet — not as a replacement, but as a way to welcome another animal friend into your family.
It helps teach some empathy if the child asks for a new pet right away but mom/dad aren’t ready yet… explain that it’s a big deal to adopt a new family member and while you’re happy the child loves animals and feels ready for a new friend, everyone needs to feel the same ready, so they may need to practice patience and compassion.
Romans 8:18-25 is a good summary of where we are in the already-but-not-yet redemption of all of creation, not just humanity:
18 For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. 19 For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God. 20 For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it, in hope 21 that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God. 22 For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. 23 And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. 24 For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? 25 But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.