We talked recently about looking back over raising kids from our empty nest vantage point. As we say, we’re on the back side of raising kids, and that perspective really does change how we’ve approached the parenting classes and family coaching we do.
When I had a 3-yr-old, the busy toddler stage could sometimes be extremely frustrating with a little one who’s testing all the limits and pushing all the boundaries. One day they refuse to eat what yesterday was their favorite meal. Or suddenly they want nothing to do with you and only want daddy. It’s tempting to focus on ALLLL the behaviors and think somehow—if you try hard enough– you can get this 3 yr old to have the maturity of a 10 year old.
Now we see parents who have some run-ins with their 3 yr old and lament that he must be headed for the life of a criminal…and now, we can say—with perspective—he’s three. Every individual instance is not their trajectory as a human being. You can’t catastrophize and spiral moments into meaning _______ about your child.
Don’t despair or take every behavior personally. DO exercise some authority and keep consistent boundaries, but life moves fast and they do catch on. Sometimes we need perspective to talk us down from the ledges we like to climb onto.
The very FIRST thing you’re told about your kid is where they fall mathematically on this scale with all the other kids. They have a height and weight %, their head circumference. They gotta be sitting by ______, walking by _______, reading by ______. It all BEGINS with this ranking, so that we’re in this game of implied competition or comparison. This game of things over which we have zero control. You cannot affect the circumference of your kid’s head.
It really does help to remember that you’re not raising an AVERAGE KID. You’re raising the UNIQUE ONE that you got. Right off the bat, we need to avert our gaze scanning the horizon, the charts, social media, to get our “assessment”.
In reading Paul David Tripp’s book on Parenting (2016), some of his points really resonated with this 30,000 foot perspective.
Who Are We As Parents
We can either have an OWNERSHIP view of parenting or an AMBASSADOR view. I think a lot of the time, our default view is probably ownership. These are my kids. There are things I want for them and things I want from them. It’s motivated maybe by a positive vision of what we want our kids to become, but it’s misguided.
When we’re not hurried, driven by the calendar/schedule, etc., (which tbh is not MUCH of the time!), we glimpse the truth: that our children DON’T belong to us…they belong to their Creator. That shifts our role from one of ownership to one of ambassador…
An ambassador’s job is to represent the message, methods, and character of the leader who sent him. She doesn’t represent her own interest, perspective, or power… So, parenting is NOT about what we want FOR or FROM our children. It’s about what God has planned to do through us IN our children.
2 Corinthians 5:20
20 Therefore, owe are ambassadors for Christ, pGod making his appeal through us. We implore you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God.
Ambassador: properly, to be elderly or mature, “to be the elder, to take precedence and hence act as an ambassador” (A-S).
4243 /presbeúō (“act as an ambassador”) means to act as an established statesman (diplomat) – a trusted, respected ambassador who is authorized to speak as God’s emissary (represent His kingdom).
This term is used in the ancient phrase, “I am on embassy to the Emperor, I am an ambassador” (Souter) – i.e. as someone respected as trustworthy (loyal, knowledgeable), especially in the opinion of those they know (belong to).
Implore: “having deep personal need, to be in want,” properly, to feel pressing need because of lack – hence, to make urgent appeal; to have deep personal need causing one to beseech (make earnest, specific request).
We are to feel some deep emotion and need in this role! Get fired up!
Tripp outlines 4 areas parents deal with that are different depending on whether you’re parenting as an owner or an ambassador.
- Identity:
- Owner parents tend to get their meaning, purpose, and inner sense of well being from their children. That means their kids are burdened with their parents’ sense of self worth.Because children push against authority, wisdom, and guidance, owner parents tend to take their children’s failures personally as if they were done against them intentionally. This means you’re probably responding with emotional hurt and anger. ***God doesn’t give you your children for you to feel that your life is worthwhile.***
- Ambassador parents come to parenting with a deep sense of identity already on board. They don’t have to ask family life to give them a life. They can forget themselves and parent with selflessness.
- Work:
- Owner parents think it’s their job to turn their kids into something. They use their time, money, authority and energy to form their children into what they’ve conceived that they should be.
- Ambassadors don’t think their daily work is to turn their children into anything. They understand they have no power to change their children and w/o God’s wisdom they wouldn’t even know what’s best for them. They’re looking for what grace could cause their children to be.
- Success:
- Owner parents are working towards some indicators that say they’ve been successful parents. Their kids are their report cards. Good parents don’t always produce good kids…where do they get the values that tell them whether they have “good” kids or not?
- Ambassadors have faced the scary (!!) truth that they have no power to produce anything in their children. Success for them is being a useable and faithful TOOL in the hands of the One who can produce good things in your children. (obedience not results)
- Reputation
- Owner parents have children as trophies.So many struggle with the hard phases their kids go through because of what it says about THEM. If they’re angry or disappointed with their kids, it may not be only because they’ve broken God’s heart, but because it’s brought them hassle/embarrassment.
- Ambassadors see that they will likely be exposed to public misunderstanding/embarrassment in some way at some point. It’s a humbling messy part of the job. God does the work & God gets the glory.
There’s something really freeing and humbling about recognizing your role as an ambassador. The sooner we can get there in our parenting, the better! Sometimes, we might not learn it until we have adult children out on their own…able to make their own way. When control really truly is not any sort of option anymore and you realize it never really WAS!
Again, Paul said that God was making his appeal THROUGH them. “We implore you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God.”
Is God making his appeal through YOU? Through ME? Or am I relying on worldly wisdom and my own strength?
For God to make His appeal through us, we have to hear him and that means knowing what Scripture says and listening to the voice of the Holy Spirit who lives inside us.This is a lifelong journey.
This verse holds the goal for each of our kids: to be reconciled to God. This means we need to live as people who are reconciled and understand all the benefits that brings.
POWER
We tend to give ourselves power (control) that we don’t have. We have no power whatsoever to CHANGE a child’s heart. If we did—if we had the power to create lasting change in someone else—there would be no point to Jesus.
Parenting isn’t (never was) about exercising power for change in our children. It’s about our humble faithfulness to be willing to participate in God’s work of change (shaping?) for the sake of our children. We have authority for the work of change, but not power to make that change happen.
We think if we speak just a little louder, make the threat a little scarier, or the punishment harsher, our children will change… And we can scare our kids into temporary behavior modification, but that’s not the way to get to their hearts as ambassadors.
Tripp says: If we think we have power we don’t have, we’ll do things we shouldn’t or not do things we should…we’ll tend to be demanding, aggressive, focused on rules and punishments to make our children into something rather than working to help them SEE something and SEEK something.
As ambassadors, we look for daily chances to show grace and help our children see how they need that grace and model that grace in how we speak and act to them. (This doesn’t mean letting them do whatever they want, calling wrong right or never disciplining them!)
When we use fear, reward, or shame/guilt as motivators, these all have a short term effect. Someday, your children will not fear you any more. Some day they distance themselves from you to protect themselves from the guilt/shame. Eventually, the ante will be so high for the reward they demand, you can’t afford it anymore and they need not comply.
Misplaced Earnestness
So looking back in hindsight: I probably had an earnestness that I was going to try my darndest to be the best parent to my kids that I could. It was a job that I loved and as a good high-achiever, I’d achieve the heck out of this new role. It was high stakes and therefore high stress. Each “failure” was personal.
We had lots & lots of conversations and opportunities for teaching character, forgiveness, and identity, and we did. My husband Bob did this very well. We ran into a random family when on vacation once, and we ended up ziplining with them. Their kids were much older & they were having such fun together–still–as a family. He asked the dad what his approach was, and the dad told him…”never stop talking.” I think that’s really the approach to the ambassador role of parenting. The goal of every conversation as a parent (the good ones, the hard ones, the “discipline/corrective ones”) is to have the NEXT conversation. You always want to leave that door cracked. So you’re never losing trust or crushing them.
In my 20’s & 30’s (peak parenting years), I don’t think I understood the assignment fully. I don’t think I realized that I was truly UNABLE to do the job. I got glimpses of that revelation—more and more as they got older—but I didn’t REST in God’s assignment of being an ambassador, that He’d take care of the heart changes.
Our responsibility as parents is not to do it all so the machine spits out “good citizens” or even “baptized believers”… We are just to exercise our authority AS A beautiful picture of God’s authority. We are the look of God’s face, we are the touch of His hand, we are the tone of His voice. We are here to reflect the wise, patient, guiding, protective, rescuing, gentle, and forgiving Father.
We do that, and HE will change their hearts.
Conclusion
An ambassador is a high-ranking diplomatic representative who is appointed by a country’s government to represent their interests in a foreign country. (See the parallels with Paul’s description as an ambassador? He’s representing the “kingdom of God” to the “kingdom of the world”) The primary role of an ambassador is to establish and maintain diplomatic relations between the two countries, facilitate trade and commerce, and promote cultural and educational exchange programs. WE ARE CULTURAL INTERPRETERS FOR OUR KIDS.
Ambassadors act as the official liaison between their home country and the host country, and they are responsible for conveying important information and instructions between the two governments. They also provide advice and counsel to their government on foreign policy matters, and they may be called upon to participate in negotiations and mediations between the two countries.
These are lofty rights and responsibilities! We cannot do this without moment by moment dependence on God. Connection to Him.
Proverbs 3:5-8
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.
Be not wise in your own eyes, fear the LORD and turn away from evil.
It will be healing to your flesh and refreshment to your bones.