This is the second in our series on birth order. We’re basing these on The Birth Order Book by Dr. Kevin Leman.
Does birth order matter? How does it work and can it change? We think that, in the interest of “knowing your child,” it’s worth looking at the dynamics that birth order brings into a family. Part of our personality/temperament is inborn, from nature (genetic), but other parts are derived from nurture—or the environment we were raised in and the people who raised us. That part is where birth order plays a role in shaping us.
We have a 4-part series on temperament (June 2022) and we’ve talked about learning your child’s gifts and talents in an effort to tailor the parenting to the child. Knowing your child’s motivations, weaknesses, and tendencies does make it easier to teach them, especially if your child has a different bent than you or your spouse.
In today’s episode, we’re talking about the MIDDLE CHILD. (Marcia! Marcia! Marcia!)
The Firstborns were the guinea pigs, lab rats or rough draft, you might say. The second borns get the benefit of parents who have a little more confidence and potentially more laid back approach to raising kids. As a result, these middle children can be adaptive and laid back as well. This might look like: being more likely to show rebellion. Depending on the age of the FB, having 2 (or 3) children leaves parents with less energy, less sleep and less time to offer to everyone.
Middle can mean different things…. The second of 3, the 3rd of 4, or the 4th of 5… Middle borns and second borns have lots in common.
They’re also often very sociable and find it easy to adapt to different circles. If a 3rd child comes along, they may feel a little left out because the FB already has a clear established place and the baby gets a lot of extra attention. So…you might see middle children prioritizing friendships outside the family circle.
They tend to care much more than they’d have you believe. They’re extremely loyal to friends.
Middles are the compromisers, the mediators. They’ve never had parents to themselves, so they don’t know that’s an option or miss it like the FB does. They tend to walk to a different beat. They get the hand-me-downs, often hold feelings/opinions close to their vest. As adults, they might admit they felt like they got “lost in the shuffle.” They’re surprised when people ask them for input b/c they were rarely asked. They’re peacemakers and tend to avoid conflict.
Middle children often feel like they were born too late to get the privileges and special treatment that the firstborn receives, and too early to get the bonanza that last children enjoy – lighter discipline, for example.
Interestingly, as adults, these kids tend to live farthest from the family. They feel a certain amount of alienation in their own family and are comfortable making new friends/connections. Friends become important to middle children b/c friends may make them feel special in a way they didn’t feel while in the middle of the family. In a friend group, middle children are neither too young nor too old, so they tend to leave home the quickest.
Middle children leave the nest with a great skill set—of negotiation, mediation, etc. and are often the most wellrounded, empathetic and loyal. Many entrepreneurs are middle children (or second borns).
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Branching
In families with more than one child, there’s generally what’s called a “branching off” effect. The second born is most directly influenced by the FB, the 3rd is most directly influenced by the second born, etc. Each child looks above, sizes up the older sibling and patterns his life according to what he sees.
With the stronger, smarter, bigger FB as a role model, the second born (or middle child) typically shoots off in another direction. Generally, second borns/middles are somewhat opposite of FBs. If the FB is compliant, organized and rule-following, the middle child is a disruptor. They push boundaries, give attitude and push back on family norms.
Middle children are often free spirits. They give themselves the right to reject the family’s dos and don’t’s.
More than all the other birth orders, you have to look at the entire family to understand a particular middle child.
Closed Book
Middle children are the most secretive of all the birth orders. Generally, they don’t confide in many people. Middle children are often the last to seek counseling… While FBs and Onlies top the list… (FBs and onlies have the most hangups, usually caused by over demanding parents.)… Middles tend to be tough and independent, and this can work in their favor, but not if it hampers their ability to ask for help when they need it ( think new mom or overwhelmed mom).
In marriage, middle children tend to be the most faithful marriage partners. However, if two middle children marry, it’s likely they’ll need help communicating. They will likely both avoid conflict –and maybe need help learning how to handle disagreements. It’s a good idea in this case to create space/time when you know you’re going to talk about issues and feelings.
**Pro Tip: pray aloud with each other. This is when you’ll hear what ‘s on your spouse’s heart. Both spouses should do this and not get comfortable with only one of you praying. This can change relationships for the better SO MUCH.
If a FB and middle marry: Middles may acquiesce and say “it’s fine” but the FB needs to encourage the middle to share their feelings. Tell me how you really feel. Tell me more. Ask: what do you think?
Middle and a Last Born: Middles like no waves. Last borns like fun. For a healthy combination, middles need to blend their social interests with things the last born thinks are fun. Lastborns need to let the middles shine sometimes. Again, ask for the middle’s opinion/feelings.
Middle children are also more prone to stick with their commitments…to the point of being taken advantage of by a mate who cheats or is abusive.
Parenting if You’re a Middle Child
Remember, you’re much more likely to over identify with a child in the same birth order position that you held as a child. Observe this about yourself. Parents who were middle children are typically uncomfortable with conflict. This could mean you’re too permissive—giving in to keep the peace. Or too strict—doling out punishments to keep the peace. Also, you might come down harder on your FB …. Getting them to back off or stop interrupting, etc. b/c that’s how you may have felt at their age.
Parenting a Middle Child
Having an older boy and a younger girl is the least conflictual of all sibling dynamics. Having 2 boys within 2 years of one another is the MOST conflictual of all sibling dynamics.
If you’ve got teenagers who are middle children, they’re MUCH more likely to be swayed by peer pressure and run with friends who may not be the greatest influences. They have a deep need to belong. Your great task as a parent is going to be to work on a firm spiritual foundation and identity with that child.
If your family identity is strong, take extra steps to include the middle child (children) in particular in FORMING that identity and helping them own it.
Lots of talking and lessons on how to form good, strong friendships with people who make you better.
A lot of things we’ve hit on in the past on this podcast are things that would naturally work well with a middle child. Being deliberate about spending time one on one with each child. Dad dating each child or having a set-aside day to take an evening walk with each child…. They get to anticipate the time together AND (esp important for middles) it’s a time they know they’ll be able to share their feelings/thoughts, which they need encouragement doing.
Be cognizant of who gets to do the choosing in the house…. Is it the FB who overrules everyone with his decisiveness? Is it the baby who whimpers a little and gets what she wants? As parents, pay particular attention to asking the opinions and thoughts of the middle child/children and letting them choose (an activity or snack, e.g.,) an equal amount.
If you did a photo album for your first child, make extra effort to do one (or something equally special) for the secondborn/middle.
Make a special effort to give your child some new items if you’re able. The more children you have, the more hand-me-downs are necessary financially, but a key item (coat or backpack) that’s new just for them might make them feel noticed.