If there’s one thing that makes parents twitchy, it’s probably the topic of getting your kid to sleep. It’s no wonder—new parents hear all the TALK about babies having their days & nights mixed up and the woes of exhausted parents having to be up for night feedings, but it’s not until we bring those newborns home do we REALLY get it ourselves.
Sleep is so important for children AND adults, and the sleep struggle is real for new parents! We have a whole episode on SLEEP in general (season 2:7), what lack of it does to our focus, behavior, and ability to learn, so we know how important it is for our kids to get enough of it.
Which can add to the pressure at bedtime when they just can’t settle down, when they play the delay game, and bedtime becomes something we dread at the end of the day.
We have with us today MARY VAUGHN, a certified PCI Parent Coach, sleep consultant, and potty training coach from North Carolina. You can find her @ www.mothertogether.com and on Instagram @letsmothertogether
MARY—Mom of 4 boys. Got started in consulting because of her own struggles with her oldest son.
Our own parents and all the parents we knew while we were in the trenches stumbled through with trial and error and eventually our kids grew up enough that things worked themselves out.
Mary takes expecting parents, parents with multiple kiddos, or just one stubborn toddler making bedtime a nightly battle—and with one on one consulting, she’ll walk you through a strategy and game plan that works for your family. Takes into consideration age, temperament, parenting style, so it’s not a one-size fits all program.
Renee & Bonnie: Full disclosure on how WE sleep trained our kids & how effective/ineffective it was.
Renee: I used a sleep, eat, wake cycle and – besides growth spurts – this ended up being a 3 hour routine. Sleep for 1-1.5 hours, nurse (45 min w/ Emma and 15 w/ Houston), and then awake for the remainder of that time block. We snuggled after naps (not before) to help E & H learn to go to sleep on their own.
- What would you say is the number one issue parents contact you about re: getting their kids to sleep? (reluctance to try something they feel is too strict?)
- Why would you say there seems to be such polarization around kids & sleep? If you read the comments (& really, WHY would anyone read comments??) on this or that post about sleep, there’s always someone vilifying those who go with crying it out or those who all sleep in one big bed. In the end, are they all going to end up at the same place ….?? Or do you think there ARE some techniques that prove better than others? Is it really an either/or that you either have a loved/well-adjusted child or one who sleeps great but who’s probably damaged/emotionally scarred?
- How is toddler sleep different from infant/baby sleep? Babies (until 3-4 months old) don’t produce their own melatonin. Nursing moms who decrease their OWN melatonin by using screens before bed can ALSO decrease the melatonin passed on to their infants! Troubles with toddler sleep (around 18 months – 2 yrs) are USUALLY behavior related, and consistency and some changes on the part of parents can really make a big difference with toddlers. (being the parent, setting boundaries, making sure they’re secure, some firmness combined with checking on them)
- Let’s talk NAPS. Naps were built into our days b/c everyone did better when we did that. I’d arrange my schedule to be home for the morning & afternoon naps (as much as possible)…sometimes they were shorter but I always felt it made for such better behavior and emotional regulation. What should parents expect with naps with a toddler? Two/day? One?
How do you know when to drop one and how do you transition to just one? You’re usually noticing they’re sleeping less or not at all during one or both of the naps, or having a harder time falling asleep during one or both. Give it a few days and see if that’s a pattern that’s really developing. If it is, you can try dropping the morning nap & starting with one afternoon nap after lunch that will usually (not always) end up being a longer stretch, like a combination of the two smaller naps.
- So that’s DAYTIME sleep. What about night time? Barring any sort of medical circumstances, kids have been BUSY all day and should be TIRED and want to go to bed. Why don’t they?
(asking if they’re ready; asking if they’re tired. Routines. Light/screens. Security. Fears…of monsters in the closet, etc….)
I know tons of families who just give in and lie down with their kids until they fall asleep. Then it’s like the stealth of defusing a bomb to make it out of the room without waking them up. Then what happens when they do wake (which we all do in periods at night)?
Lots of parents just give up and now mom is sleeping with one kid in their bed and dad’s with another kid in his room. This doesn’t seem to promote marriage harmony & still ends up with parents not getting restful sleep…AND isn’t teaching kids sleep skills.
- What are some common mistakes parents make? Accidentally reinforcing unwanted behavior? Not setting REAL boundaries? Inconsistent response?
7. Toddlers are notorious for change. On Monday they love bananas but by Wednesday how dare you offer that hideous yellow fruit?! What’s best practice for when your toddler is teething, going through a growth spurt, at Grandma’s, on vacation (in a strange place), or sick? Does everything go out the window??