- No Matter What. There’s nothing you can do that would make me (or God) not love you. I might not always like everything you DO but I will always love YOU. A child should never feel like they’re walking on eggshells where their parents’ love is concerned, like they will only be loved if they bring home A’s or “be good” or “happy.” This is where they learn they are worthy of love and connection EVEN WHEN they mess up or are imperfect.
- You have what it takes. You are capable and can do hard things. You’re a hard worker & know how to ask for help. I have faith in you.
- I love to watch you _________________________. It’s a great foundation for a child to know that her parents delight in just watching her do what she loves. She doesn’t have to be good at it. It doesn’t have to be a performance. Maybe it’s just I love watching you read. I love watching you play. I love watching you laugh. Wouldn’t you love it if someone told YOU these things?
- I trust you. Kids want to know they’re worthy of this. Cultivate trust in them by catching them being honest and faithful in small ways and praising for that. (You fed the dog like you said you would; I appreciate how I can trust you.) As they get older, if they have forged a strong bond of trust with their parents, they are less likely (though not immune!) to want to break that trust. With trust comes freedom! The more I trust you, the more you’re able to do. If trust is broken, emphasize how much you want to be able to trust them. Be trustworthy yourself–do what you say you’re going to, keep your promises, and be there for your kids. Ask them periodically if they trust you so they get used to the word and the “feel” of what it means.
- This is who you are. This is who you are not. Speak life to your children. When they make a mistake, tell them that’s not who they are. Instead, elevate the opposite virtue you want to see in them . You’re kind, honest, trustworthy, generous. They believe what they’re told. It’s empowering to know they’re part of something bigger. Your family’s last name is something to honor. This is who the Smiths are. When you send them out the door to school or other activities, remind them “Remember who & Whose you are!”
- It’s ok to mess up. We all do. What can we learn from failure? Allowing failure builds trust. They are free to fail (and not disappoint you or lose your love) and get up and try again. What can we do different next time?
- Their story. Kids need to know how wanted they are. How much you waited for them, prayed for them, anticipated their arrival. Whether this is the story of their adoption or birth, they won’t tire of hearing it. Make a picture album for young ones to look through together.
- Praise for effort/hard work (things they can control) rather than being “pretty” or “smart.” The book Nurture Shock recounts a study done with a two groups of kids attempting puzzles. One group was told they were smart and the other that they were hard workers. The hard working group attempted harder and harder puzzles while the “smart” group stopped when the puzzles got tough, the implication being that if they failed, they’d no longer be “smart.” Better not to try. Consider telling your child “you should be so proud of yourself” to encourage them to intrinsically talk to themselves positively and get affirmation from self instead of always looking outward for it.
- I’m sorry. Will you forgive me? Face it, parents mess up a lot, and it’s not like our kids don’t know it. How much better it is to clear the air and model a true apology and reconciliation. They will 99% of the time be quick to forgive! It’s humbling as a parent to do this, but so meaningful. Think about your own parents & whether they did this with you. If they didn’t, what would it have meant if they had?
- Questions. Watch the questions you ask. Often, in an attempt to make connection or conversation, especially with our tweens/teens, we restrict ourselves to asking about the details of their days. A lot of times, this boils down to “how’d you do on the test?” or “did you win the game?” The questions we ask subtly convey what we value. Asking ONLY questions like these may convey the sense that you only care about performance. Try asking open ended questions to learn about your child. What do you like best about ___________? Give me a high and a low from today. Did God speak to you in any way today?
- Tell me more. Kelly Corrigan, in her book of the same title, talks about using this phrase as a way to draw out her teenage daughter. Instead of jumping in to fix or advise with our late elementary & older kids, sometimes this phrase teases out more of the issue and helps THEM to work through the problem themselves. Repeating back what you’ve heard, asking “what else?” or saying “that must have felt _____________” also helps spur the conversation on with encouragement rather than interference.
